If Society Says You're Not 'Wife Material,' It's Time To Redefine The Ideal

If you watched Kriti Sanon’s Do Patti last night and found yourself thinking, "Oh, I’m the non-gharelu one, will anyone ever think I’m marriage or wife material?" then you’re in the right place. Let’s talk, it might just give you the answers you need, or maybe a few more questions to ponder upon.

Well, society has long been uncomfortable with women who break the mould and live beyond stereotypes. To keep a grip on a woman’s choices, it has laid out endless criteria for what makes "wife material." The list is long.

Any sign of independence, a voice, ambition, the freedom to choose, is instantly labelled as “non-wife material.” The list doesn’t end there, wearing revealing clothes, going to parties, showing moves, having a drink or a smoke, a casual fling, all disqualify a woman from the marriage track. But if you fit these “non-wife” traits, then congratulations, you’re a woman who knows her own agency and isn’t about to give that up. And let’s be real, are you living on your own terms? Yes. Are you desirable? Without a doubt.

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But then does it mean you are never gonna marry? No! You can still marry and your marriage will be that equality and mutual love and understanding and not of one-sided compromise, sacrifice and servility.

Do you ever think about what kind of "wife material" you'd be? After all, who doesn’t aspire to be a good partner? We all want to make our significant others happy, just as they should strive to do the same for us. So here, I’m bringing to you, the ideal characteristics of a good wife. #redefined

If Society Says You're Not 'Wife Material,' It's Time to Redefine The Ideal

Be adjusting but not too adjusting

What are the expectations from a “Good wife”? The first is that she should be adjusting. Abh adjust toh thoda bauht sabko karna hi padta hai. Just like we expect others to do too. But adjust only as much as you are comfortable doing. In the process of adjusting, you don’t have to compromise on your identity or likes/dislikes or ideology. If you want a place at the table, take it. If you want to pursue a job, do it. You don't have to “adjust” on the fronts that are important to you.   

Respect your in-laws/ husband BUT also demand the same respect

The meaning of retaining your identity does not always mean demeaning or disrespecting the other. You can keep your points forward to your in-laws or husband without straining relations with them. But at the same time, you must demand equal respect from them. Understanding is not a one-way street. Both parties have to contribute respectfully to keep the relationship going and equal. 

A good wife material is someone who wants to be a mother OR NOT

When it comes to life-changing decisions such as having kids and starting a bigger family, both you and your husband need to communicate and discuss. Yes, the larger agency lies with you since it will be your body that has to bear the weight of pregnancy and childbirth, but this is something that both partners will mutually have to agree to.

Neither it is his decision to take alone, and even you will have to open the gates of discussion with him for better planning and support. In this situation, however, the husband and wife must not feel the pressure of other family members. It is only both of your decisions to make. 

A good wife is someone who focuses on her new family and relations BUT doesn’t forget the old ones

Often, after marriage, a woman is expected to uproot herself from her parental house and family and give all her time and strength to her marital house. She is expected to live with her in-laws, serve them day and night in return for the safety, security that her marital family provides. And if the woman is earning she is expected to give all her earnings to her marital family expenses and not to her parents. 

You were a daughter much before you became a wife. If a man remains connected with his familial roots after marriage, then why not women? Is it only the son's responsibility to take care of parents? When daughters today are equally capable to support her parents in every possible way, then why not? And not just families, but also friends. You don’t have to lose ties with your friends after you're married.

A good wife is someone who is mindful but not afraid to stand up for herself

Often families expect their bahus to be docile, follow certain rituals and rules even though the bahus don't want to. They are expected to follow a certain dress and behavioural code, not be outspoken or not express her opinions. But it is okay to change your lifestyle a bit to make space for new people and relationships but those changes should not be so huge that it affects your self, -respect or sense of self.

Suppressing your choices, opinions and agency on body should not be changed at any point of your life. Every families have their own timetables and rules. Follow only those that do not enforce on you the idea that just because you are a woman you need to follow a certain decor. 

Someone who fulfils their partner’s needs BUT also expects her own needs to be fulfilled

Once you sign in for a relationship, it is commonly expected that you ensure your partner's happiness, whether it is by prioritising their choices or sexual pleasure. But mind you, that you should expect the same from your partner and your partner must cater to your happiness and pleasure as much as you do. In traditional marriages, a wife alone is expected to worry about her husband's sexual pleasure.

If he indulges in an extra-marital affair, it is the wife who is blamed for not keeping her husband happy. But wives are never expected to have any such expectations from the husband. Rarely does a wife's sexual pleasure in marriage matters. Do away with these beliefs. You deserve as much orgasm and happiness as your husband. Moreover, whether you are married or not, your consent and your agency on your body are important and non-negotiable. 

So, yes. stop feeling bad that you are not marriage material or that you will not be able to adjust or compromise in a home. 

Views expressed by the author are their own