'You're Not My Mom': TikTok Trend Puts Interesting Spotlight On Gender Roles

TikTok trend "You’re Not My Mom" trend is taking over the internet with women using the platform to humorously showcase how they end up mothering their partners. Yes, the qualities traditionally deemed ideal for a wife in India are now being scrutinised in the US, revealing how deeply entrenched traditional gender roles remain in today's society.

What is the 'You're Not My Mom' Trend

This trend typically begins with a photo of the couple, paired with the man’s quote, "You’re not my mom," which reflects his resistance to being told what to do. However, the following slides often tell a different story, highlighting how men rely on their partners for various tasks and decisions.

Participants in the trend illustrate instances where their significant others depend on them for everything from what to wear, what they’ll eat to caring for them when they're sick. All contradicting their original "You’re not my mom" claim. 

How It Highlights the Persistent Gender Imbalance at Home

This light-hearted trend started with a conversation about gender roles in relationships, using humour to spotlight how some women feel like they're playing both the role of partner and caretaker. Soon, the discussion shifted to revealing the detrimental effects of "partner being caretaker" and one behaviour gaining particular attention is "weaponised incompetence," which has become a hot topic on TikTok, with nearly 75 million posts as of mid-September. 

This term describes when someone pretends not to be able to do something so that their partner ends up doing it for them. In one viral TikTok video, an educator highlighted this issue after a prank involving a husband washing potatoes with dish soap went viral. The wife, busy with other chores, took over the task in frustration, while the husband appeared smug about the situation. The educator called this out as "weaponised incompetence," pointing out that the "comedy" was making light of a serious issue, there’s a noticeable gap in stress and household responsibilities between men and women, with women often bearing the brunt of domestic labour.

What Weaponized Incompetence looks like. pic.twitter.com/690u0cZ5w8

— AskAubry 🦝 (@ask_aubry) April 24, 2024

What Is Weaponised Incompetence & Why Is It In Trend?

This isn’t just an issue in the US, it's a reality for many women globally. Rather than engaging in difficult conversations to explain how tasks should be done, many women find it simpler to handle them on their own. The bigger challenge, however, lies in addressing the unequal division of labour, which only reinforces the ongoing cycle.

Tip for men: this is weaponized incompetence.

Why are you acting like things are on HER plate and you have no idea what’s going on in your own house??

You don’t need to “read minds” to know the dishes need to be washed, groceries bought, house vacuumed, etc. pic.twitter.com/svjOroiVDS

— Arghavan Salles, MD, PhD (@arghavan_salles) August 19, 2024

Whether men intentionally or unintentionally underperform, their partners surely have to step in and take charge. And when that happens, why do they often hear, "You're not my mom"? Initially, feeling interdependent or deeply engaged in shared tasks might seem empowering, creating a sense of teamwork. However, as one partner gradually takes on more responsibilities, does that empowerment fade, giving way to frustration and imbalance? And could repeated acts of this "weaponised incompetence" be quietly slipping into a form of abuse, even if unintentional?

So, what’s next? Are we going to continue embracing this lifestyle, or will we address the generational imbalance in household chores that these trends are bringing to light? It’s time to reflect and decide how we truly want to address these issues.

Views expressed by the author are their own