Limerence: The Obsessive-Longing Dating Trend Explained

In the realm of modern relationships, new terms seem to emerge regularly, from "ghosting" to "breadcrumbing" and the "all or nothing" dating trend. However, the concept of limerence, or obsessive longing, is a well-known phenomenon that has gained renewed attention in recent times. This psychological state involves an involuntary obsession with another person, characterised by uncertainty about whether the feelings are reciprocated.

Actor Jessica Gunning, who plays a lovelorn fan of a stand-up comedian in the new Netflix series, Baby Reindeer, draws parallels between her character's experience and the concept of limerence. Limerence could also be seen in literature, for example, in Romeo Montague and Goethe’s melancholic young Werther, who embody characters investing excessively in romantic interests. Similarly, characters like Lara Jean Covey from To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before illustrate this theme in romantic comedies.

Origins Of The Term Limerence

The term "limerence" was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book "Love and Limerence." Tennov described her own experience with limerence as an overwhelming attraction directed towards someone with whom she had no chance of forming a life together. Despite this awareness, the thought of the person became an obsession that directed her emotions.

Limerence is marked by several key characteristics, including irrational and intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, fear of rejection, and idealisation of the limerent object. Individuals experiencing loneliness may become so fixated on their idealised image of the person that they fail to establish genuine connections or get to know the person on a deeper level.

The Three Stages Of Limerence

Limerence progresses through three distinct stages. The infatuation stage involves the initial period of falling for the limerent object, where feelings of attraction intensify. Crystallisation is the stage where the limerent person begins to idealise the object of their affection, placing them on a pedestal and ignoring any flaws or imperfections.

And finally, Deterioration, the final stage of limerence occurs when the limerent object is no longer viewed as a perfect solution to all problems, leading to emotional distress and disillusionment.

Challenges Associated With Limerence

While romance may seem romantic at first glance, it can pose significant challenges. The intense focus on the main object can lead to neglect of other aspects of life, including social relationships, work responsibilities, and personal well-being. Individuals caught in the grip of loneliness may struggle to maintain balance and may experience emotional turmoil when their feelings are not reciprocated.

Moreover, limerence represents a complex emotional state characterised by an obsessive longing for and idealisation of another person. While it can initially evoke feelings of passion and excitement, loneliness can also lead to emotional dependency and neglect of other important aspects of life. Understanding the psychological underpinnings of loneliness can help individuals navigate their emotions and relationships more effectively, fostering healthier and more balanced connections.