Why Are Women Taught To Obey The Men In Their Lives To Be Accepted?

I am a regular on all social media platforms, well most of the time, and keep reading what women are posting. Recently, this post caught my eye as it made sense to me. Have you ever wondered why are we taught to obey men?

One social media user wrote and I quote, “Women often enter into relationships trying to cook their way, sex their way, force their way, serve their way, submit their way into a man’s heart to prove their worth. All to be chosen. And usually by a man who sat back and reaped the benefits of her affections. And dare I begin to mention the emotional heavy-lifting that some of us do to love men who aren’t capable of loving us back in a healthy way."

I was intrigued and read further. The post said, "We fight to open him up, soften him up, earn his trust, be the mother he never had, show him the loyalty he never received, overlook the red flags because he has potential, be his therapist, settle for a mediocre courtship, settle for lacklustre sex, settle for selfishness and no reciprocity, diminish ourselves for fear of being labelled as too opinionated, high-maintenance or bougie. We carry the burden of unhappy relationships and that ages us. I wish that women would collectively choose to be in mutually loving, fulfilling, and healthy relationships, that don’t begin with drama and heartache but instead with sweetness, love, empathy and openness.”

This post resonated with me. And I am sure it will, at least in parts, with most women who are in the same life stage as I am. The post speaks about a partner but we can take it a little further. Don’t you think we are taught from when we are little girls to do what the men of the family say? Be it our grandfather, father, brothers, or uncles, want us to do and be, only then can women be sure of obeying their fathers-in-law, husbands, brothers-in-law and even sons after marriage. They will decide if we can wear a certain type of clothes or not, go to school, if attending school is allowed then which stream to take up and should the girl of the family be allowed to attend college at all, to follow a career at all, who to marry, to have kids, the list is endless. Have you ever wondered why are we taught to obey men?

Survey says wives must always obey husbands

Well, I am not surprised. Yes, men may accept women as political leaders but they favour traditional gender roles in family life. So says a report released by the Pew Research Center, a Washington DC-based non-profit. The study, titled ‘How Indians View Gender Roles in Families and Society’ and released on March 2, 2022, is based on a survey of 29,999 Indian adults conducted from November 2019 to March 2020.

“Nine-in-ten Indians agree with the notion that a wife must always obey her husband”. Indian women were only slightly less likely than Indian men to agree with this sentiment (61% versus 67%). Although most Indians expressed egalitarian views on gender roles, with 62% saying that both men and women should be responsible for child care, traditional norms still held sway, with 34% convinced that child care “should be handled primarily by women”.

This is 2022 and this is the view of Indians today! This is alarming indeed.

Isn’t our media whether movies or TV serials guilty of showing obedient women

In this regard, I can never get over a film like Kabir Singh, this Shahid Kapoor and Kiara Advani film is certainly not for women. It is a celebration of a misogynistic, infantile bully of a hero, where the woman is denied any agency whatsoever. She is a property, marked and owned by the man. She will meekly follow him wherever he takes her, eyes always down are masochistic in allowing herself to bear his violent ways. What was surprising was that audience was divided over the movie, some loved it while others hated it.

Our telly serials are no better, ‘the more obedient the daughter, sister, bahu and wife the better’ seems the mantra for serials. And most importantly the two main female protagonists will vie for the attention of the male lead. So, what do such mainstream supposedly entertainment thrash teach us? To be a good obedient woman you have to fight it out for male attention and acceptance.

Does the burden of relationships age women faster?

Have you noticed that aunt or cousin or even a friend who seemed to have aged overnight? Have you thought of the reason? Have they undergone an emotional upheaval recently or are in an abusive relationship for long? Is it because of that?

To be fair for most of their lives both men's and women's faces age at the same rate, i.e. until women hit 50. Then the female graph turns sharply, says the American Journal of Physical Anthropology in 2019. That's because the drop in oestrogen with menopause also cuts the production of collagen – the protein in the skin that gives it its elasticity. As a result, between the ages of 50 and 60, women's faces age at three times the speed of men's.

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How You Should Deal With Your Male Misogynist Friends

Well, that’s the science behind it. But the fact is women do take up a lot of stress (due to the burden of relationships) in their lifetime. And stress does accelerate ageing. Whether it’s dark circles, pallid patches, a giant pimple, weight gain or what looks like a whole new set of crow’s feet, it’s the final verdict. That’s a classic sign of stress ageing. It’s what happens when an overload of life stress adds years to women’s looks. What is shocking is that stress can age you three to six years or more.

Assertive and outspoken women are labelled as aggressive

Gender bias at the workplace and at home is at work always. Aren’t leaders supposed to be bold and assertive so why are women who are labelled ‘bossy’ or aggressive while the same attributes are celebrated in a man?

When men are outspoken, they’re not criticised, they’re just seen as visionary or passionate. On the other end of the spectrum, women who don’t speak up and who aren’t assertive in meetings, they’re not promoted. So where does that leave women? It’s an issue faced by many working women. Being either too loud or too quiet can be career-limiting. This is because we, more specifically men, still have this idea that being a good leader requires traditional male traits like aggressiveness, being assertive, achievement-oriented, and competitiveness, and when women do that, they’re not seen as being good women.

The same is at the home front. Women are always expected to be accommodating and emotional. People expect that women will take care of the children, cook, and clean the home, while men will take care of outside work.

In the end, I would like to ask, why women are always expected to be a step behind men, be diminutive, be adjusting, accepting, fight for male attention, and think less of themselves. Don’t you think it’s time we did what is right for ourselves?

The views expressed are the author's own.