Dear Women Don’t Be Under The Impression That You Can ‘Fix’ Your Partner

In Indian society isn’t it common for families to say, “Iski shaadi kara do, biwi ayyegi toh sudhar degi”? And women are also told beforehand, “Your man will change once you get married”. I mean how and why is there such an assumption? Why does everyone expect a woman to ‘fix’ her guy? And why do women believe they can. A spoilt and entitled man will always remain that and nobody can fix him. Not even you dear women. Here’s why you should think twice if you think you can fix your partner.

Nobody will change if they don’t want to

A person will change only if they first accept that they need to change. The desire to change should come from within. Any change that is forced externally by someone will most likely not happen. If at all it does, then for sure it won’t last. Thus, a man will not change until he realises he needs to for his own good. Most of the time men pretend to be what you want them to be because they don't want to lose you or upset the status quo.

Never try to make him a copy of your "ideal man"

For a relationship to flourish it needs space and for this to happen keep your husband out of your rule book. Wives must remember that even their partner have an identity and rights to live life his way. Each woman carries the idea of an "ideal man" in her head, based on which they constantly direct men in their lives- ‘don't do this', ‘do only this', ‘only chat with your girl friends', ‘give me your Facebook password, cell phone password’ etc. They try to exert control over their lives so that they can  mould their partners as per their liking.

A big relationship myth is that you and your partner must have same lifestyle and mindset. And often women imagine that her prince charming must have all the qualities she approves of and nothing that she doesn't. And when it differs from reality, they are unable to cope up with it and try to change her man. What needs to change is your approach, dear women.

Suggested Reading: When We Talk About Marriage To Women, We Should Also Normalise Divorce

Acknowledge your different backgrounds

Both of you come from different family backgrounds and cultures then why should either of you want to change your partner completely? A marriage means adjustments, both the partners have to make changes in their lifestyles to make a life together. However, this doesn't mean that one person has to give up more than other, or change their lifestyle to an extent that it becomes unrecognisable. It is important to acknowledge and accept each others' lifestyles and adjust accordingly.

Women need to ditch the desire to "fix" their partner.

Your man might resent you for trying to change him

A man who is vulnerable can have different responses to your push for change – he will either resent you or become too clingy. If it’s the former, then he will resent you for making him move out of his comfort zone while having to go through a transition. He might resist the change you suggest and become rebellious. Or he might accept that he needs to be ‘fixed’ and become too dependent on you for it. But, remember by creating such co-dependency you will be in a toxic grip.

Mostly, when we seek out someone to fix, it’s likely that the void is within yourself. You may in fact be harbouring ‘Saviour Complex’ where a person feels the need to ‘save’ others to feel complete themselves. Women need to check if they have the tendency to feel good about themselves by being nurturers and self-sacrificing role models. Ask yourself why you feel the need to do this and then run in the opposite direction when you find that someone you feel needs to be ‘fixed’.

Views expressed are the author's own.