Marriage was always marketed as an institution wherein two individuals come together and build a loving relationship with equal standing. However, the reality is a far cry from what we are told. Marriage has become an oppressive institution for women and the relationship the couple shares has an edge of dominance and subservience creating a skewed power dynamic.
Women are often categorised as either a "good wife" or a "bad wife" which makes me question: What is the definition of a good wife? Who is she? What are the parameters to assess if the wife is good or bad?
It does not come as a surprise that a look through the internet will lead to hundreds of sites speaking about being a good wife. But, the patriarchal society has already decided what makes a woman a "good wife". Their definition of being a good wife means a domesticated woman well-versed with household chores, who should be meek and accept whatever little respect she's given but should put her husband and in-laws on a pedestal, is only focused on taking care of the house and is not ambitious, one who knows to make adjustments for the sake of family's happiness and obviously one who doesn't have a life of her own!
The state of affairs is sorry for women who have fallen for the 'good wife' trap and try to fit into the problematic stereotypes. By extension, these women take on the role of token torturers.
Suggested Reading: Are You Good Wife Material?
Who Is A Good Wife
Take Care Of The Household Chores All Day
'It's a woman's duty to perform household chores' is a very common dialogue in Indian society. It just implies that if a wife spends all her day taking care of the house, sweating in the kitchen, feeding the children, and taking care of the elders she's doing her duties right. Apparently, if a woman doesn't know how to cook or clean, she isn't the wife material.
The hypocrisy here is that no one uses the same parameter to answer 'Who is a good husband?' If a man doesn't know how to cook, will he be labelled as a bad husband? The answer is clearly known because society is blinded by the self-made stereotypical gender roles.
Not Too Ambitious
'Zyada padhi-likhi ladki Nahi chahiye (The girl should not be highly educated)' is what a lot of people on matrimonials demand. Why? Because a well-read woman would not give in to the patriarchal system easily. Some want a career that disqualifies them from being a "good wife". A career-oriented woman is apparently ‘the bad wife’ as she is too selfish to think of herself.
Any woman thinking of her career and taking steps to move towards a successful one suddenly becomes ‘too ambitious’. But ever heard someone say ‘too ambitious for a man’? He is a bad husband because he is too ambitious? No, because men are supposed to be the providers so being ambitious is a prerequisite. If wanting a career for herself and being financially independent makes a woman a bad wife then it's okay to be a bad wife!
Respect Your Pati Even If He Doesn't Respect You
Respect is expected out of a wife for her husband as well as her in-laws no matter what the situations or conditions are. She has to place her husband on a pedestal and no matter what he does he has to be respected. Even if he abuses the wife, beats her up, or doesn't respect her, it's necessary for a good wife to take care of him and respect him. Standing up for herself will ultimately make her a bad wife.
Apparently, asking for the same amount of respect you give to others is not what good wives do. Respect is an individual's right and no one deserves to be disrespected. Women who are aware of the fact that they should be respected are the best! Separating from a man who cannot respect you is okay!
Does Not Have A Life Of Her Own
Spending your day holed up in a small kitchen in the heat, and just looking after everyone's needs except yourself is another sign of being a good wife, according to patriarchy. Women having their individual identity besides their marriage, children etc is a strict no.
Does she go to parties? She's a bad wife. Does she have a hobby? She's a bad wife. I've heard even women talking about other women say "how do they even get time to do all this?" Women can have a life of their own. She is not just a wife but also a woman with autonomy!
Women are always held to higher standards as such but it is important to note that these standards are oppressive and are no parameters of judgement. Focusing on being a good wife is not inherently wrong as long as the marriage is in balance. Everyone strives to be a good partner. However, women must understand that they don't have to give up on their individuality to be good wives.
Views expressed are the author's own
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