What Is Orgasm Anxiety? Survey Discovers People Get Anxious Thinking About The Big 'O'

The orgasm talk is still getting normalised. People at Agents Of Ishq (AOI) have surveyed a varied number of people to find out that how anxiety related to orgasm is the next big conversation after normalising the big 'O'.

Orgasm or general sex talk is not encouraged by parents at home or teachers at school, atleast in India. We are far behind in making kids aware of the concept of sex. And as they grow up gathering knowledge from elder siblings, porn sites and friends, the basic idea of safe sex becomes alien most of the time. And sex is not just about the act but intimacy, foreplay and trust with the sexual partners are very important conversations to be had without making it taboo.

Teens go through a lot of trouble with their mental and physical changes and not being able to talk makes it more difficult. Young women find it scarier as consent still remains a debatable topic than a basic necessity. Trusting a partner with sensitive photos or even a sensitive moment becomes a challenge. As ruining a woman's life by threatening her social respect is very easy. So when people talk about orgasm equality and the quality of orgasms, it seems a little futile.

Nevertheless, orgasms should be talked about more but not in the manner of imposing it on people's sex lives. AQI surveyed a varied demographic comprising people of different genders and sexual identities. They have shared their experience. A total of 258 people participated, the majority of whom were cis-gendered women and among sexual identity, heterosexual.

The survey revealed that a majority of the chunk is actually having orgasms, that is 82% confirmed having it and 13% were not sure while the rest 5% said no. Among the ones having orgasms, a whopping 45% said it was during masturbating. However, they found that 68.2% percent said they felt anxious about orgasms.

What Is Orgasm Anxiety?

The anxiety people feel during partnered sex and having an orgasm. People were given options to identify what exactly they felt and if it was anxiety, some of them were - 'am I taking too much time?', 'if I don't come will my partner(s) feel inadequate?', 'I worry about not performing well in bed', 'I'm conscious about how my body looks', 'if I focus on my orgasm will I look demanding?' and a couple more. Most of them rooting from insecurities in our brains that come from societal standards of beauty, sexual desire and capabilities.

Suggested Reading: Volcano, Avalanche And Wave: Did You Know Women Experience 3 Types Of Orgasm?

Reasons For Orgasm Anxiety

1. Body image issues - Growing up almost all kids have gone through a ton of insecurity about their looks and especially while comparing themselves to the icons of beauty and sexuality such as models and actors on screen with photoshopped figures and skin tones, it is very normal to feel less of themselves while being intimate with someone. Not being desirable enough is a thought that lingers through most people's brains. And in cases of trans men and women, the layered dysphoria of not aligning with the set standards of feminine and masculine beauty becomes even more difficult to remove from their minds. Making the individuals anxious about performing in bed or letting themselves enjoy the pleasurable moments. The base of our sex education being porn, the way a pornstar's vulva and breasts look or the size of their penis makes regular folks feel inadequate for their partners.
2. Gender expectations - There are set rules about how the genders should ideally perform in bed is also problematic. A cis-gendered man should feel like a failure if they have problems with erection or ejaculation is considered a fact. So are cis-gendered women having orgasms with loud moans as soon as they start penetrative sex. women are also told from a young age to ask for just as much required otherwise they'll be considered greedy and demanding, making their way to their sex life as well. Women often don't ask for equal foreplay as they think it would be too much to ask for. And often than not sexual acts other than penovaginal intercourse are left out completely making people of several sexual identities feel they are not capable of orgasms if they can't get it by the mainstream ways portrayed in films.
3. Mental health - It is no news that this generation has too many distractions to handle. Then there are untreated trauma from childhood and several toxic relationships that affect their sex life. One of the people participating in the survey said, "Thoughts and anxiety about actually having fun and how no matter what I won't be able to achieve it." Not having the freedom to express their sexual desires and blaming themselves for not liking what their partners are doing to them makes it very hard for many to actually have a good sexual experience. An open dialogue about the anxiety and the old fears can resolve a lot of issues.
4. Toxic nature of sex positivity - Here comes one of the negatives of having an open conversation about sex. It is only recently that the internet has become a place to exchange dialogue about each other's sexual experiences without treating it as taboo. But the downside is people are not always honest about their stories. Having orgasms might look very easy to the ones speaking and how they are having it sounds casual and fun. It becomes unrelatable to many as they keep struggling to get it and feel the need to fake it, especially women. For some talking out loud isn't the most comfortable thing and they might feel they are backwards-minded and not liberated enough to be a part of sex positivity.

Isn't the goal of sex positivity inclusivity? Then why is the conversation around sex making people feel inadequate, uncomfortable and anxious?

The AQI team was surprised by the results of the survey which demonstrates the wide range of reasons for having orgasm anxiety and how intersectional sexual journeys are for everyone. "For people struggling with their mental health, who face gender dysphoria and body image issues, who haven't entered the world of sex yet, who have vaginismus and many other reasons - orgasms don't come easy. This reveals that we need to create a conversation on sex which is comfortable for everyone to step into, and perhaps one way to do that is to question - are orgasms are the ONLY way to measure pleasure? " said Debasmita Das, Creative Associate at Parodevi Pictures.

She also spoke about how women who don't usually ask for a better sexual experience for fear of becoming demanding, she says, "We also believe the survey will help shift the conversation beyond just sex liberation and orgasm equality, to a new kind of sex-positivity which is more lived, more inclusive and prioritises all sorts of pleasure, not just orgasms!"

The more people dialogue honestly about the struggles in bed. Be vulnerable about the awkward moments with your partner and share the journey of their sexual insecurities. Only then people of all genders and sexualities will feel more seen and heard when it comes to sex talk.