Virgin-Shaming: Having Sex Out Of Peer Pressure Robs Us Of Our Right To Choose

Do you believe that being a virgin in today’s world is some kind of flaw? Well, I have come across a few people, both men and women, who believe just that. Those who decide to hold on to virginity for a bit longer than their peers often find themselves at receiving end of jokes and sneers. Kuch gadbad hai kya, they are asked. But what exactly do they mean by gadbad here? Your guess is as good as mine.

Those at the receiving end of such comments feel as if they are ‘behind’ their friends and thus missing out on a major life experience that has alienated them somehow. Also, it could lead to a person feeling that they are less desirable and cool in some way. As a result, being a virgin or not becomes a matter of peer pressure- just because your friends have done it, you must too to vibe with them or else feel left out. However, should the decision to have sex ever be dependent on anything else but choice and consent? Should sexual experience be the yardstick of how modern and cool a person is?

Generally, if a person has not had their first time, they are subjected to offensive jokes about virginity. It is assumed that a person becomes ‘mature’ only when they have had sex. Otherwise, they are seen as the innocent kid of the group who doesn’t know or understand the ‘dirty jokes’. Moreover, because of the patriarchal restrictions around the concept of virginity, having sex is often made synonymous with being modern and open-minded. So if a person hasn’t had their sexual debut, it is assumed that they have a narrow mindset which considers sex a dirty thing.

Virgin-shaming among men and women

Virgin-shaming is more common among men. This is because our society defines the ">masculinity of a man with his sexual prowess. The more sexually experienced a man is, the more masculine he is. Since men do not ‘lose’ anything if they are not a virgin, it is assumed that no rational man would say no to sex. When patriarchy has invested freedom, power and the right to complete pleasure in the hands of men, there is no reason considered valid enough for a man to deny sex, apart from some fault in him.

On the other hand, when it comes to women, virgin-shaming is mostly about their desirability. If a woman hasn’t had sex, it is assumed that she is not attractive and desirable enough. She is considered as the moral priestess or the bechari of the group who has to follow strict rules.

Suggested Reading: Marital Rape: The Case of Wife's Consent, If She Can't Say "No" Can She Say "Yes"?

Problem with virgin-shaming

Consequently, people fall into the trap of peer pressure and have sex just to look cool. Under the pressure of having sex, people could subject their partners to behaviour that can border on abuse. Imagine a person who forces or coerces their partner to have sex just because their friends told them to. Can this be considered innocent consensual sex?

But in all this, where is the concept of choice and consent? Why do we forget that having sex or not is only about a person’s choice? Why do we assume that having sex makes a person more happy, fun-loving and mature? Why don’t we value the bodily autonomy of the person who doesn’t let anyone else decide when they will have sex?

Why virgin-shaming doesn't make any sense

Dear people, you own your body. Whether you want to be sexually active or not should be your own choice, and the one that isn't made under any kind of peer pressure. Sexual prowess and good sex life are not the only parameters attractiveness.

Let us understand that virginity is nothing but a social construct created by patriarchal society to judge the character of a person, especially women. Medically, there is no way to find out whether a person is a virgin or not. This concept even excludes the idea of gay sex which is not vaginal-penal penetration. So calling yourself a virgin doesn’t really signify anything. Then why do you have to fuss over the jokes and shaming around something that doesn’t exist?

Moreover, having sex isn’t necessarily a milestone to achieve in life. It might be for some people, but not all. We need to consider sex as a casual activity that a person indulges in when they feel like it. Lack of an active sex life cannot be deemed as a personality. I am not denying the fact that a person should not be aware of sex. But being aware of it and being a consensual part of it are two different things. One can know about sex without actually performing it. In fact, an important part of sex education is teaching people that a person can take as much time as they want to say yes. So enough with virgin-shaming.

Views expressed are the author's own.