Women Can't Dare To Choose Love Over Unhappy Marriages Even Today

It is said that marriage is a bond of love created by the universe. It is meant to last for seven lifetimes, growing stronger each time. But in our society, love is seditious while marriage is an unbreakable vow. Besides, love has no place in the life of a married woman. She must stay put in an unhappy marriage because seeking love outside of it comes with a heavy cost.

In a village near Dewas, Madhya Pradesh, a 32-year-old tribal woman was reportedly beaten up and humiliated publicly for leaving her husband and living with her lover instead. She was paraded through the village and made to carry her husband on her shoulders.

A video of the incident has now gone viral on social media in which villagers can be seen humiliating the mother of three children. Her husband's family allegedly physically assaulted her too, when they "caught" her at her lover's house. While the woman was rescued by the police and provided with first aid, it is shocking that this witch-hunt-like incident took place in India in 2022.

This is not the only case in which a woman has been publicly humiliated and assaulted for an extra-marital affair. In July 2020, another woman from MP was made to carry her husband on her shoulder and walk around in the village as a punishment. The incident happened in the tribal-dominated Jhabua district of the state.

The frequency of these cases and the fact that it is always women who are shamed and abused for extra-marital affairs reeks of gender bias. Society expects women to rot in unhappy or abusive marriages rather than give love another chance. This is despite the fact that adultery is no longer a crime in India, although it is a valid ground for seeking a divorce.

Interestingly, men are seldom at the receiving end of brutal punishments for extra-marital affairs. They escape the scrutiny due to male privilege which makes society gloss over their behaviour with problematic statements like "men will be men". It is the woman again, who has to suffer by forgiving her husband and living with him despite knowing that there is no love between them.

Why don’t women have the right to love? Why don't married women have the choice to escape a bad marriage? Why are they expected to preserve the sanctity of marriages in our society single-handedly? If affairs can be seen as needs for men in unhappy alliances, why can't same understanding be extend to women?

Suggested Reading: When We Talk About Marriage To Women, We Should Also Normalise Divorce

In our society, women are raised to be someone’s wives. And the definition of a wife is centred around unequal sacrifices and submission. As wives, they are only seen as bodies that serve the needs of the husbands.

Whenever daughters are prepped for their marriage, their parents teach them everything that a sanskari wife and bahu should know. But they never tell them about the equality and love that a happy marriage must have. It is believed that the freedom to love or reject belongs to men. Women must simply accept their decisions and behave to accommodate their wishes.

The lack of love automatically makes a woman’s marriage a compromise that suffocates her. She is forced to live a life that is marred with submission, abuse and servility. Because serving and living with a person without any expectation of love or emotion is not a relationship or marriage. It is just a contract between two people who have complex power dynamics. Not all marriages might be suffocating but the only reason behind that is the presence of love and emotions between the partners.

If and when women try to break these contracts and seek love outside, they are shamed and punished for going against societal norms. The fact that a woman dared to oppose patriarchy and seek freedom to love threatens society which believes in subverting her gender. By punishing women who break unhappy marriages, patriarchy manifests its insecurity and fear of losing its grip if women refuse to submit.

It should not be difficult for women to walk out of marriages for the sake of love. Besides the reaction to infidelity is separation or divorce. Public shaming is an overreaction, that selectively picks on women and intends to police their desires. It would be misplaced to say that this social behaviour should not deter women, but the truth is, the cost is simply too heavy. We continue to fail marginalised women because our progressive outlook towards infidelity is simply restricted to our urban sections.

Views expressed are the author's own.