Tum Haste Hue Achi Lagti Ho: Can We Stop Controlling Women's Freedom To Be Emotional?

“Tum haste hue achi lagti ho” How often have you heard this phrase? And how often did you question the sexism lurking in it? Yes, the phrase is a sexist expression that bounds women within the patriarchal expectations of being bubbly and smiling all the time. It undermines the array of emotions that women feel like sadness and rage. It makes women’s emotions and bodies subjects that are controlled by patriarchy.

On the surface, the phrase might not seem like a problematic concept. Rather Bollywood and TV shows have portrayed it as a romantic expression that men use to impress and console their female partners. But when you dig deeper, a can of worms opens up. The problem begins when the expression is used to control the way women express their emotions. It becomes problematic when it is used to shun women’s rage and sadness just because it is unwomanly and not as per the liking of the patriarchal society.

It is not a hidden fact that more often than not women in our society are expected to control their emotions and appear likeable in the eyes of the ">patriarchy. Women are told to shut their anger out as it makes patriarchy uncomfortable, and wipe tears away as they ruin their make-up and beauty. Everything ultimately comes to how women look. A woman should never do anything that affects the way they look or the way the patriarchy wants them to look.

But how long will women reel under patriarchal expectations and the pressure to be likeable? How long will women let others control their emotions? Why can’t women be the ones who decide whether they want to smile, cry or shout? Why should women fuss over how they look rather than owning the freedom to express their emotions? Is a woman’s worth confined to her looks alone?

If women aren’t allowed the freedom to express different emotions, they will never be able to control the way things unfold in their lives. If they can’t cry, without being labelled as weak or ugly, they will never be able to express their sadness at certain events of life. If women don’t shout, they will never be able to express their rage on inequalities that suppress them. And pent up emotions are never good for a woman’s physical and mental health.

Not only women, in the trap of controlling emotions, men too get roped in. Men are never expected to cry or be emotional. Being emotional is considered a feminine trait that if men exhibit they will be labelled as weak or pansy. It is assumed that strength lies in holding up the emotions and not in breaking down. And it is this “strength” that men must exhibit.

But why is there a rule book to how men and women should express their emotions? Emotions come naturally to humans. It is these emotions and the ability to feel and think that differentiates humans from animals. So every human, irrespective of gender, caste or class should have the freedom to break open the barrage of emotions if and when they want to. The gate holding up the emotions should be guarded by men and women themselves and not controlled by ideologies that take the liberty of defining how a human should be. Because it is humans themselves who have the right to define who and how they are.

Views expressed are the author's own.