Telling Daughters They Can Have Freedom After Marriage Is Seriously Messed Up

It is a favourite Indian parent defence, whenever daughters ask to exercise even a little bit of choice in life, to say, 'shaadi ke baad.' As if marriage was a license to the luxury of agency for women. As if tying the knot affords women a world of independence. As if the wife status is the epitome of freedom. Seriously, how deluded is desi logic?

If you're a woman, you definitely would have had the (mis)fortune of being greeted with this evergreen phrase in the moments you broached dangerous topics with your parents. Dangerous, as far as the parent brain's perception goes. Otherwise, travel or wardrobe choices hardly account for danger. 'Go if your husband allows,' pat comes the reply.

Parents, figure us this: Why would we actively enter into a situation where we are required to hand over the reins of our lives to a partner who has to then give us permission to do things? It's like waving a red flag cut from bridal couture. There couldn't be a worse proposal for marriage than one where the woman is being warned in advance that she would have no authority over herself whatsoever.

Suggested Reading: Why Do We Romanticise Men Performing Basic Domestic Chores?

Freedom After Marriage: Is It A Myth Or Is It True?

It's messed up that parents are comfortable pushing their daughters towards relationships that are inherently bound to be unequal and then expect them to 'adjust' with them. Is it not disappointing that the parental figures we respect are themselves suggesting that a third person should take command of our lives? That we hand over our autonomy to someone who has no right to seize it?

Is this how we are being raised to become liberated women?

What is this if not a sign of how deeply entrenched patriarchal conditioning is in our society? Within our parents and families? For fear of 'log kya kahenge,' parents say 'shaadi ke baad.' These twin evils working in tandem with each other have ensured that the stronghold of male dominance remains intact and gender marginalisation affecting women continues without restraint.

Suggested Reading: Dear Society, Stop Asking Men To ‘Man Up’ When They’re Vulnerable

Why do we need men to command what we can and cannot do? Ideally, women - for that matter, anyone at all - should not be obliged to be at the mercy of anyone else to decide the life they want for themselves. How misogynistic is the idea that a woman wanting to wear a pair of shorts has to consult a person instated as authority?

Or that a woman hoping to work outside home has to wait for ">marriage to see whether or not she will be allowed to do so? If the husband is sensitive to her dreams, he may stand in support. If he is a traditional chauvinist, he will put his foot down under the jurisdiction that patriarchy affords him.

Who's willing to take that gamble? And why should anyone be driven to take it, just for someone else to "allow" them for things they don't need permission for in the first place? All daughters ask their parents is that they put their trust in us, that they back our dreams, that they have conviction in the choices we make.

Views expressed are the author's own.