Dear Parents, This Is What You Should Tell Your Daughters About Marriage

Tell Your Daughters About Marriage: The first thing that my parents told me about marriage was its necessity. And the second, that it was an unequal compromise with unavoidable silence. I have grown up understanding marriage as a bond in which women have to sacrifice their homes, jobs, parents and embrace everything that belongs to the husband.

In fact, my mother even said once that 1-2 thappad is also a part of marriage and that I should be ready to face it in order to be accepted and respected in society. Marriage was never portrayed as a canvas of love and happiness. But only a contract based on dowry, compromises, enforcement and injustice.

Now, as a grown-up feminist, I can clearly see the major fault in my upbringing. I wish my parents could be more vigilant, compassionate and less patriarchal when they introduced to me the idea of marriage. But in this article, I urge every parent to not contort the idea of marriage and construe it in terms of love, equality and feminism.

1. Marriage is about love and understanding

Dear parents, teach your daughters that the first and the most important brick of the edifice of &t=1120s">marriage is love and mutual understanding. For two people to marry, it is important that they love each other unconditionally, in sick and health and are ready to spend their life together for the rest of their lives. Rather than making the idea of love immoral, criminal or an attempt to disrespect parents and their reputation, inculcate the idea of love in your daughters in terms of freedom and happiness

2. Marriage is about equality

Most importantly, teach your daughters that for a marriage to survive, it needs equality between the couple. Equal division of housework, parenting, family expenditure, opinions and respect are the pillars to support a happy marriage. Teach her that any inequality in marriage, whether it is in terms of responsibilities or in terms of respecting each other, demands immediate resolution before it becomes a norm and slowly begins to create an unequal divide between the partners.

3. Marriage is not only between a man and a woman

Another very important aspect of marriage that parents must teach their daughters is that marriage is a bond that goes beyond the gender binaries of society. It is not always a man and a woman who marry. Two people who fell in love with each other and want to spend the rest of their together irrespective of their gender is all that marriage requires initially. So whenever your daughter scratches her head when she comes across a same-sex couple, trans couple or any couple that defies the standards of society, tell her that it is okay. That it is a part of the norm too.

4. Violence is not a part of marriage

Every daughter should be taught that violence is never the answer to any conflict that marriages face. They should be told that violence in marriage is a crime and accounts for stringent actions including the indulgence of legal measures of penalty, jail and divorce. There is no justification for any violence committed against a marriage partner.

5. Divorce is normal

Dear parents when you teach your daughters about marriage, remember to not introduce it as a sacred bond that can never break. Or a bond whose failure will invite god wrath, social criticism and make a woman’s life meaningless and miserable. Teach them about the idea of divorce too. Make them understand that not all marriages work and it is okay to walk out in order to preserve self-respect and mental health. Also tell them that if at all they choose divorce, they will not end up alone and miserable. They will always have parents’ support and the chance to begin their life all over again.

6. Marriage doesn’t mean an end of a career

Dear parents, stay away from the conception that marriage means an end to women's dream to earn and succeed. Inculcate in your daughters the idea that career is as much important and eternal as marriage is perceived to be. No one has the right to decide whether a woman should work after marriage or not except the woman herself.

7. Marriage doesn't mean breaking ties with parents

Dear parents, tell your daughters that even after marriage they have the same rights over their parents and the parental property. Marriage doesn't mean a woman exits her parental house forever as the custom of Bidaai describes it. Even after marriage, a daughter can take care of her parents or stay with them. 

8. Take care of in-laws, but not alone

Dear parents, it is important to tell your daughters that staying with and taking care of in-laws is not the woman's responsibility alone. Both the partners in marriage must share this responsibility of taking care of each other's parents. Marriage is an allegiance of two equals and two families. Why should one person alone be responsible to keep everyone up and together?

9. Marriage is an option

Lastly, parents need to tell their daughters that marriage is not an obligation or necessity but only an option. A woman can freely choose to never marry and still be happy and demand respect. Today, single women form 5.5 per cent of India’s total population. So it is not right to ignore their existence or deny to validate their choices. Marriage is a companionship. But if a woman is happy on her own, why should she force herself to adjust with a companion?

Views expressed are the author's own.