Hold Up, Are You Friends With Your Ex? 5 Reasons Why That's Not A Good Idea

So, things have ended between you two. It wasn't a bad breakup, really. Maybe you mutually decided on it or either of you compromised and parted ways for the sake of the other. But the relationship, as you knew it, is over. Or is it? Here is a person who knows so much about you and is now walking away. You would like them to stay in your life, even if in a different capacity. Friends, perhaps? But is staying friends with an ex such a good idea? You wonder.

If there's anything messier than relationships, it is the aftermath of when they break off. A million emotions run through the partners' heads: Should I? Could I? What if we give this another shot? No, she's too toxic I have to leave her. He doesn't love me anymore. We're better off as friends.

Notwithstanding everything you may be feeling through a breakup, that last one is always a tough sitch. Of course, there are loads of couples who are making it work as friends, co-parents, companions even after they formally separate as lovers. And if you're sure it won't result in you ending up as an emotional wreck, by all means, maintain a friendship with your former partner.

But, as desirable as this equation sounds, it may not always be doable. Consider these points before you take the plunge.

Here Are 5 Reasons You Should Consider For Not Staying Friends With An Ex:

1. Emotional Imbalance 

This new friendship with someone who was probably among the reasons you walked away from a relationship will not exist in a vacuum. There will be a deluge of feelings bubbling at the surface: anger, regret, joy, overjoy, jealousy, resentment. Ask yourself whether you will be prepared to take that baggage of emotional toll that comes with the satisfaction of still having an old flame around in your life.

Would it be okay for you if they were to fall in love with someone else? Will you be secure in your position as just another friend to them? Or what if they told you they still have a soft corner for you? The ground laid out beyond the exit gates of love is very soft. Tread carefully. 

2. Faltering Judgments

Get this: you broke up for a reason, whatever it may have been for you or for your partner. That decision was respected and hence, the relationship came to a close. Now, when as friends, you touch base again, there is a big possibility of you reconsidering or casting doubt on your own good judgment for why the two of you separated.

It can lead you to double-cross your own self on a choice that you consciously made on valid grounds. Maybe your partner was &t=4s">manipulative or dismissive or abusive. Getting close with them once more as friends may cause you to overlook all about how they made you feel and give them the benefit of doubt, even when they don't deserve it.

3. Moving On Will Be Painful 

Feelings are not faucets. They cannot be switched on and off at will - such is the human condition. So the transition from being lovers to being friends can be a sticky one. What if your feelings for the other person make a surprise return? Would you be willing to bring them back into your life in a bigger capacity?

This is tougher even when one of the two people in the equation hasn't really gotten over the other. Maybe this breakup was just a settlement for them. Is it really fair to expose them to the false option of that old love returning?

4. Fuzzy Boundaries 

Ex-lovers setting boundaries as friends should instantly set off alarm bells. Is it at all possible to take a call that is free of bias on this state of affairs? An agreement for friendship is most likely following a breakup that was not hostile in nature. So naturally, there is no complete aversion being felt by both partners towards each other, the inverse of which is the case in sour breakups.

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Could that leave a gate open in your head and heart? Perhaps some residual affection that could grow back into passion? It's possible. If you mutually decide on keeping the friendship platonic, for instance, is a verbal guarantee strong enough to sustain that promise? Who's to say one day you may not give in?

5. You May Lose Your Identity

When you rebound back into a friendship with the same person you cut off a romantic relationship with, chances are, you may end up overcompensating. Or invest yourself in it more than you would have liked. It happens to all of us and it's alright. But consider this: is rebuilding that friendship worth losing your own identity over?

There's hurt when a breakup happens and it's not easy. We latch onto the closest comfort we can find, which in case of a lovers-turned-friends situation, might be the person right in front of your eyes: your former partner. As much as that support is important, so is your own solo journey of healing. That period will help you grow and deal with your new life beyond the love you have so bravely exited.

Views expressed are the author's own. 

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