Why Are We Not Surprised That Somy Ali Decided to Delete Her Post

Unlike poorer women, one would imagine that well  heeled, educated women holding senior positions at work, living in swanky apartments in upscale localities, would speak up against harassment and violence. But the truth is that, most of these aware women have been trained to stay mum with dignity. The message is that a dignified woman must not speak up against domestic violence or any form of violation that she faces.

This is the advice she gets by majority of her “well meaning tribe.”

She is lauded if she can endure atrocities. Any public display of wrong, basis her marriage or relationship with a man, she is made to understand the consequences of a bad reputation, not to forget the disrespect, she will bring to her family. Therefore the skeletons are best inside the closet. If she dares, to go against this advice, she can run the risk of zero support from parents and friends too. So very few dare to speak up.

Somy Ali Deletes Her Post on Abuse she faced

Knowing that she dare not lay bare the hidden ghosts in her seemingly well to do home, along with her  parents and her husband’s image. Her display of emotions is considered inappropriate conduct in public behaviour.

Taking a cue from Somy Ali who pulled down her complaint of the physical violence and abuse she faced with popular actor Salman Khan, is not much of a surprise for many of us. The onus of decency and propriety has been the hallmark of a “good woman”. The words that she is taught in schools, at homes and with friends, are, that women are considered tacky and shameless if she speaks up against her husband or boyfriend. It will further be taken very badly if the man in question is a successful individual, also referred to in marketing language as an HNI.

Being the wife or girlfriend of a HNI man is the status she must wear as a badge. Removal of that badge means she will be pulled down from her position of place among her social crowd. So it is wiser to stay mum and move on, even if they are wronged on a daily basis.

Speaking to Tina Raj, from Bangalore, she has ended her relationship with her husband of over 10 years. She said “As I declared, I was leaving, my mother warned me to not wash my dirty linen in public. I come from a known family in Bangalore, so it’s imperative for me to understand the place my non supportive family has in the city. Added to that, my ex husband is successful and is adored by my cousins as well as our social friends. So I understood that I was alone in this battle. No one will take a stand against him. I felt that there must be something that is wrong with me. This was also reiterated by my mother, that it wasn’t too bad, it’s only sporadic incidents”.

As one delves deeper into the subject, we can find multiple women who keep up with the lies. The message they believe is that, this doesn’t happen in higher income homes.

The women who manages to speak up is often referred to as being tacky to indulge in this sort of slander against her boyfriend or spouse. Some go on further to say that as an educated and sophisticated person, with good upbringing, one must not be like the housemaid at home, who doesn’t hesitate to abuse her spouse in public.

So what stops women to not register a complaint, confess to the elders in the family or among the social circles? It is the lack of support and the immense fear of losing name in the public domain, that stops them.

Sexism again rears its ugly head every time a woman speaks up. A rape survivor is not considered to be marriageable material if she decides to speak up about her horror. She is asked to understand that she should be ready to face ostracism from others. The woman in fear learns to cower down. Domestic violence victims are also equally victimised. The questions asked are, what wrong she did to bring this upon herself?

So it isn’t a surprise when empowered women like Somy Ali has pulled down her complaint. Former Miss World, actor Aishwarya Rai Bachchan did not join the complainants when Salman was being discussed as a serial abuser. Aishwarya choose to be quiet, as she choose the high road of dignity, as society would put it.

A slap is enough to change a woman’s life forever. The shame, the indignity she faces is a lifelong trauma. In India we have innumerable number of women who consider violence as their best kept dirty secret inside their hearts and in their cupboards.

Amidst the beautiful diamonds, the Coco Chanel bags are bags of despair and fear for women who don’t have the guts to call out an abuser, worse if it’s a boyfriend or a family member.

Public display of a woman’s trauma and distress is considered being classless and indecent. India needs to also address the severity and indignity in “upscale abuse”.

 Mohua Chinappa is an author and a podcaster of a show called The Mohua Show. The views are the author's own.