Sexual Freedom: Man's Sex Life Is Not A Woman's Duty

Sex Life: From time immemorial, these two notions have been deep-seated in Indian society: 1) Men’s capacity to become erect make women happy and they must perform. 2) Women must receive, it is their duty to men, and somehow to society, even if it is not pleasurable. And this is where the problem begins.

As humans age, our desire to engage in sexual activity wanes, studies suggest that this happens more for females as compared to males. However, this simple human experience has been complicated and degraded by society, which leans towards a view of sex as responsibility for heterosexual couples. Simply stated, society believes that “Men must penetrate, and women must endure.”

"We have believed and learnt certain things in a certain way for a very long time. People have believed that sex is all for men and that marriage is a license for a man to have sex," says Dr Niveditha in an interview with SheThePeople. "These beliefs are part of the patriarchy system which sees men as providers who protect women and women as caregivers who needed to take care of the man and his needs," adds Dr Niveditha.

Indian society has often failed to explain the very, very complex nature of human sexuality. There are multiple connections between ageing, health, desire, stress, social expectations, and so many other factors. Amidst all these reasons, if a woman fails to show interest in sexual activity, society, and often men, fail to peruse a logical explanation and simply blame the woman for not ‘fulfilling her duty'.

This notion has problematic roots in the idea that a woman is a man’s property. Hoary Misogyny and male privilege have led men to feel entitled to intercourse, or any kind of sexual activity. It is high time these bigoted, antiquated, and sexist designs for marriage are done away with.

When a woman takes stands up for herself, society often tries to make connections that highlight her flaws. There is nothing 'wrong' with a woman who does not want to have sex, she is not 'selfish' or 'cold', and it definitely does not point to evidence that she must be 'cheating'. Suggesting that women should engage in sexual activity despite their wishes in basic terms accounts for sexual bullying and coercion. If a husband acts on the “it’s your duty” cliché and forces it- that is called rape.

Sex Is Not About Male Gratification

For decades, women have subserviently ignored their own discomfort and anguish in order to give males the most pleasure. Despite tearing, bleeding, and drowning in societal pressures, they have made self-deprecating efforts to pursue love and sexual joy even when they did not want to. Meanwhile, men have walked around in sartorial luxury, surrounded by a culture designed to maximise their aesthetic and sexual satisfaction.

"Somehow society feels that women need to be more in control of their sexuality. They believe that she should sacrifice her desires if that means the man in the relationship is fulfilled. While for a man, people find excuses like what did you expect him to do if his needs were not met? This is wrong in every way" says Dr Niveditha.

Sex is not simple, and nor is it only about male gratification. If our aim is to enable human sexual lives to thrive, it is important to remember that is an equal partnership between both parties. For the unversed, that simply means that it takes two to tango.

When we tell women that it’s their duty for men to feel sexually satisfies, we are reaffirming society’s bigoted beliefs that a man’s need is somehow superior to a woman’s, indicating that a woman is subservient to a man. This type of mentality is erroneous and it leads to less obvious cases of real abuse, assaults, manipulation, and in some cases, violence.

It is high time that women's sexual choices are no longer evaluated or critiqued. Women’s desires – the way they can morph, grow or even disappear – must not elicit doubt, fascination and panic. It should be considered a woman's choice, one for which an explanation is not required. Sex is not a responsibility, but a human activity to derive pleasure. It is not a necessity or a requirement, and marriage is not a contract to demand sexual pleasure.