How Discovery Of Self-Pleasure Taught Me About Female Shame And Guilt

How does one begin to talk about something that has for generations been denied as a right to a female? I know for a fact that if I had someone talking to me about this when I was younger, it would have made my self-pleasure journey a lot simpler. 

I'm putting my voice out here in a more personal tone, in the hopes that even one person reading this feels less lonely out there. 

A lot of women are expected to abstain from sexual pleasure. Women in Indian society are advised to navigate sexual pleasure post-marriage. I remember posing a ‘why’ to that advice when I was younger. I was told that my husband deserved to be my first. I was also told that sexual acts should be pure in nature and that only engaging in the same with my husband would guarantee that purity. 

I'm older now and I know better. I know that it's a choice. I do not blame the person for giving me the advice. It's because I realise that they were only passing down what they themselves knew to be correct. I cannot blame someone for trying to help me with the only faculties they possess in the area. 

Women look up to mothers for marital advice. But how useful can the advice mothers give be when they are subjected to unspoken sanctimonious protocols? 

I was lucky enough to have a mother I could talk to when lost. I'm aware that a lot of people lack the same privilege. But soon enough I began to realise that the advice given to me did not seem to serve my needs. With that realisation, the onus of navigating sexual pleasure fell entirely onto me. 

Suggested Reading: International Masturbation Month: Dear Ladies, Find Your Own Meaning Of Pleasure

Do I have it all figured out on my self-pleasure journey? 

I remember the first time I chanced upon the world of self-pleasure. I have Paulo Coelho to thank for it. I meant Eleven Minutes, reader! I know what you were thinking. :/ 

With visuals, one has set characters presented to the audience. Reading compared to visuals always gave me the possibility of imagining. I took things at my own pace and thought of how Maria would pleasure herself. 

I was nervous when I tried putting theory to practice for the first time. I didn't know what I was doing and self-pleasure didn't come with an instruction manual that I could read. I never read about it in school textbooks. It was never a dinner table conversation with my mother. There was no way of me knowing if I was doing it right. But I remember the moment it felt right. Later I learned from texts that it's what one calls 'climax' or 'orgasm'. A few seconds of ecstasy were immediately replaced with shame and deep regret. 

The first year of my navigating self-pleasure was spent in self-imposed restrictions and shame for not being able to adhere to them. 

It took me a long while to realise that I wasn't performing an immoral act by indulging in self-pleasure. I was always a late bloomer so even this realisation visited me a lot later than it did my peers. 

I reached out to a few of my female peers to have a conversation about sexual pleasure. I remember asking them if they prioritised it. One of my peers was unaware that females could pleasure themselves just like men. 

She whispered to me, "so how do we do it?"

With all the talk around empowering a girl child, one would think that introducing sex education into school curriculums wouldn't still be on a to-do list. 

Some of my other female peers simply frowned in disgust when they realised it involved touching themselves. Some others judged me for talking so openly about something that's visibly taboo. Some simply seemed awkward to share the same table where I lead the conversation. I did receive some positive responses but that number was dwindling. 

My talk of sex toys seemed to bewilder my female peers. The thought of having an object down there seemed disgusting to some, made others nervous and a few others uncomfortable that I'd bring something like that up. I was asked to lay blame on someone, I'd say social conditioning. 

Wherever you are in your sexual pleasure journey of knowing yourself, I wish you the courage and strength to accomplish your well-being. Feminine sexual pleasure is essential for the mental and physical well-being of a woman, should they choose to reach out for it. Do not let anyone else ever tell you otherwise. Let's hope to bring up more aware daughters, sisters, mothers, and peers.

Views expressed by author are their own