Dear Women, Stop Seeking Validation From Men. Appreciate Yourself

Seeking validation from men: We have grown up reading fairy tales in which “damsel in distress” waits for the knight in shining armour to praise her beauty or rescue her. But did you know that these tales are not so “fairy” or detached from reality? Rather they are the portrayal of how women consciously or subconsciously are wired to seek validation from men or patriarchy.

Whether it is a dish, an achievement in the work front or a newly-bought dress, women tend to trust the approval of men more than themselves. What is the reason behind this? Why do women depend on men’s approval for regular to important decisions of life? Is this dependence even healthy, considering the prevalence of patriarchal standards for women in our society? And doesn’t this dependence further widen the gap between genders with women being pushed to the lower rung of the hierarchy in society?

Women seeking validation from men

Despite significant achievements, many women seek men's approval and appreciation to own them. They try to fit into the definition of an agreeable and likeable woman which patriarchy defines as demure and weak but not ambitious and rational. For instance, on the work front, women deal with the lack of pay parity, gender inequality and lack of opportunities to be a leader. This alienates them in the workplace that becomes a man’s world and ultimately chooses to be subordinate to men in order to be successful and appreciated. While in the marriage market women are taught to please eligible men in order to be “accepted” as a wife/daughter-in-law. Not a career but Making round rotis and looking appeasing becomes the only factors that can get women validation in the marriage market. Many women are dissatisfied with their bodies and life just because they are not attractive to men.

There are still many instances of women being dependent on men for approval, both in the outside world and at home. But the point is what makes women so dependent and subordinate to men? And how can it be changed?

Role of patriarchy in making women subordinate to men

Seeking validation from others is often good for our performance and confidence.  But it becomes a medium of self-doubt, lack of confidence and insecurity when we begin seeking validation regularly and for every task. In the case of women, the sense of seeking validation from men is endorsed by the patriarchal definition of a “good and sanskari woman”. Moreover, it is also impacted by the dominance of men in the world as they are considered to be better at decision making and leading. For a long time, patriarchy indoctrinated women with the idea that their relevance lies in the happiness and service of men and that women have no right or freedom to look at life from their perspective. It makes it almost imperative for a woman to be likeable to men in order to be happy and successful.

But dear women, if you continue to seek validation from men, how will you ever be the leader of a change? If being likeable means not being assertive and ambitious, how can women empowerment continue its pace? How can you be successful and liberated if you depend upon the validation from patriarchal thoughts that aims at clamping women’s feet? Just how can women be confident about themselves if they find their relevance in few words of appreciation uttered by men? Is it not possible that men might not appreciate anything in women that goes against patriarchal standards? How then will women be free to make choices and decisions in life?

Appreciate yourself, dear women

Therefore turn your focus towards yourself. Start embracing your choices, body and achievements and appreciate yourself.  Now, dear women, it is time to remove the cobweb of patriarchy and own your life choices and achievements. Look at yourself in the mirror and thank yourself for every struggle you won to get the respect and freedom that you proudly own. Remember that you are already a relevant human being in the world and only you can decide how empowered and powerful that relevance grows into. We have come a long way in our struggle against patriarchy. Now women have the right to seek education and empowerment and be the boss of their own lives. Let us not pull ourselves back by undermining our decisiveness. If you don't believe in your own verdicts about yourself, no one else will.

Another important way to unlearn this stereotype is to encourage sisterhood. This is because at times women themselves judge and criticise other women on the basis of patriarchal standards. For instance, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have a conflict to be more likeable to the son/husband, male bosses are preferred over ">female bosses as it is assumed that female bosses are more rude and competitive and many more. If women come together and appreciate each other, there will be no space for subordination to male dominance. I don't intend to say that every validation from men is wrong. But there is a need to differentiate between validations that are constructive and those that are destructive.

Therefore dear woman, be the princess who rescues herself and helps other women to empower themselves.

Views expressed are author's own