The dialogue over sexless marriages has always been approached with caution and restrain. Not many people are comfortable admitting the importance of sex in a healthy marriage. That is of course for people who are not asexual and actually want to have sex with their partners but due to some unresolved differences, spouses get so far apart from each other that sex is the last thing on their minds.
When people do not receive the love and attention in their marriage, they start to seek the same outside. It should be easy for a married couple to sort out their differences by talking to each other but that is hardly the case.
Views On Sexless Marriages:
The discussion that was initiated on Reddit (social news aggregator and discussion website) saw a person by the account name ihave2kittens questioning the fellow Redditors about their opinion on sexless marriage. The person made it quite clear in the question section that it is not an accusatory question and there was a need to see the other side of opinions on what leads to sexual breakdown.
One of the fellow users shared her side of the story about how she finds herself heartbroken on not telling her partner about her actual feelings even though she loves him a lot.
She wrote, "I don't fully understand why I don't want sex myself. I just really don't feel like it. I love my partner and I find him attractive but nothing happens for me down there. Sometimes I just lay facing down in the bed and let him fuck me from behind. Sometimes I spend hours working myself up to the fact that I have to have sex. I know it's not fair for him for me to just decide that we're not having sex. It breaks my heart and his heart every day."
On being asked if it happens to her all the time or just with one particular person, she replied - "It starts ok in all my relationships but over time my desire just goes away." Many people shared that it happens with them too. Even though they love their partner, they could not gather up the courage to just tell them.
Another person wrote about her situation and said, "I have gone through this in all three of my relationships. For the longest, I thought it was the relationships but now I know it's me. I also have a lot of gynecological problems and am hoping they're tied together but I haven't gotten an answer in four years. I hope things get better for you!"
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Many others took out the frustration of being on the other side of the issue and facing the depriving situation if they don't get sex as desired. One of such users exclaimed-"I feel like you and my girlfriend are the same people. I hate having to ask all the time but it just seems like we never would if I didn't. I'm only home 10days a month and if I get it twice I'm lucky. I truly do love her but it's just so draining I don't understand why she is this way."
People have been unaware and negligent of asexuality as being a prominent reason for the non-desire for sexual activity. In one of the articles written by Sian Ferguson and Crystal Raypole for Healthline, they explained what is meant to be asexual. They attributed asexual people to be "one who experiences little to no sexual attraction. They don't want to pursue a sexual relationship with other people."
As the reddit thread made it quite clear that people do find it hard to communicate their desires to their partner, some also expressed that they do not want to have sex because their marriage was collapsing. Others find themselves hating their own body as the result of the trauma they faced due to sexual abuse and could not end up in a healthy relationship.
Even though it sounds more of a bedroom problem and the conversation that needs to be confined only between the partners, the topic needs more sensitisation. The need to look at the problem of sexless marriage needs a broader lens otherwise it might lead to divorce and separation. Professional help by counselors or medical experts can serve the cause and provide the couple with a way out of the rut.
Views expressed by the author are their own and Reddit users.
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