Seven Ways The Meaning Of Romance Changed For Me As I Grew Up

Romance, desires and admiration cling onto us much early in life, sometimes unexpectedly. Listening to songs that romanticise a person's features automatically makes us fall in love with the feeling of being admired. We start imagining ourselves in the place of the characters in the song and relate it to the scenarios of real life.  Before we notice, love and romance become a part of our life even in the absence of a person towards whom these feelings might be directed. But as life goes through different phases and experiences, the meaning of romance often changes. Sometimes it is laughed away as an unrealistic tale cooked up by a childish mindset and sometimes it turns out to be the pivot of a balanced and happy life.

As a 20 something adult now, I think the meaning of romance for me has undergone a drastic change over the past many years. Some of these changes were constructive but some were destructive. Some helped me gain a better perspective on love and some shattered many hopes of a perfect romance.

Love is not guilt

Romance became a part of my life mainly because of Bollywood. Watching romantic movies of Shah Rukh Khan and listening to songs of KK, Sonu Nigam and Lucky Ali gave me immense pleasure. They ignited self-love and also the unknown desire to be admired by someone. However, being in a missionary school, the emanating ideas of romance was constantly conflicted by the strict gender-based rules. Even though I had this desire to be admired, I never spoke to any of my male batchmates throughout my school years. At that time, my desire for romance became a guilty pleasure that I need to hide from everyone else. Sometimes I even felt ashamed of those feelings when my father said, “Pyaar, mohabbat kuch nhi hota.”

But today, I have realised that there is nothing wrong with falling in love. In fact, it is the most beautiful and essential part of life. Without love, living is like being lost in a dreary desert. &t=507s">Love not only gives you warmth and happiness but also a strong support system. It helps you push the limits and holds you back when you ricochet. The fault was not with me but with the society that considered love an evil distraction. However, this doesn't mean that our idea of love, or the one that has been fed to us by pop culture over decades, doesn't have any faults.

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Stalking is not romance

I remember I was in school when I came across the idea of stalking. I used to ride from home to school and back in a bus that was exclusively for girls and the entire town knew about it. As a consequence, many boys used to stalk our bus riding on bikes. They used to look at girls onboard, laugh at them, pass comments and figure out their addresses through their bus stops. In fact, one day, one of the boys stopped the bus and tried to barge in. But the conductor and driver somehow stalled the gang.

What made me even sadder was the fact that many girls on my bus found this behaviour romantic. They deliberately sat at the window seats and passed smiles. In fact, there used to be a competition among girls about who will sit at the window and who gets the most attention from the stalkers.

A still from Rehnaa Hai Terre Dil Mein

But today, I have realised that stalking is a crime and not a way to express love. It is because of our ignorance towards stalking that many times it becomes a reason for chilling crimes against women. I think, Bollywood played a major role in romanticising stalking. Films like Rehnaa Hai Terre Dil Mein made stalkers the most desired heroes during my school time. But even though I have changed my mindset, Bollywood hasn’t and so have the youngsters. Even today Bollywood promotes stalking as an expression of love and I am afraid many women buy it.

Teasing and name-calling are not romance

In school, it is very common for students to tease girls who are crushes of their friends. Addressing girls as Bhaabhi, singing lewd songs, stalking them and finding their numbers and calling anonymously are often seen as romantic even though they are not. I was in 4^th or 5^th class when a boy who apparently had a crush on me stole my phone number and secretly slipped his notebook into my bag. When I reached home, I was shocked to find his notebook. While I was still comprehending, my mother’s mobile rang. And he was on the other side enquiring about his notebook. After that, my mother created a big drama by crying and cursing her parvarish because I was corrupted. Even in school, other boys used to make me so uncomfortable by addressing me by their friend’s name or singing songs.

Even though I liked one of the boys who crushed on me, I couldn’t accept how name-calling could be romantic. It rather posed danger for girls who are always blamed for the wrongs that men do. But now, I am sure that was not romance. That was just a tactic to bully and oppress girls. So my school crushes have blown out now as I move toward a better understanding of what is right and wrong.

Unsolicited kisses, hand holdings and even marriages are not romantic

If you have watched Bollywood films, you must be aware of how sudden and unsolicited closeness is highly romanticised. Like a man suddenly comes close to a woman, holds her hand and bends to kiss her while the woman, clearly saying no, moves away until she reaches a dead-end.  Or when a man accidentally or forcefully puts sindoor on a woman's head. Where is consent?

I always used to imagine that if any such scenario happens in my life, it will be very romantic. But now I am really thankful that it never happened. Today I am well aware that every kind of romance needs consent. And that consent needs to be clear.

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 Love is not only heterosexual

A still from the film Ek Ladki ko Dekha to Aisa Laga

Another very important thing that I learned about romance is that it is not always heterosexual. Before when I was not aware of queerness, I used to think that romance is possible only with a man. In fact, I never got a chance to explore my sexuality. I always assumed that my prince charming will always be a man. But now, it is beautiful to know that the colour of love is not just red.

Breakups are real

When I was a teen, I used to think that once two people fall in love, they never part ways. I didn't know what break-up even meant because love and romance were sold to us as a happily ever after. But life teaches you lessons that no one else would, albeit in a cruel way. I have undergone a number of break-ups, some of which gave me trauma that I shall carry for a lifetime. So now I have accepted that love and romance are not always the same. It has ups and downs. Promises are not words on stone. They change with time. And when the downs get too harsh, it is better to walk away.

Love at first sight is a risk

"Pehli nazar mein aisa jaadu kar diya" (sung by Atif Aslam in Race), this song was the theme of love at first sight during the latter part of my school days. I found the idea of love at first sight really intriguing, partly because of Bollywood and partly because of the magic that makes someone fall in love with the other by just looking at them. But now, my dream of love at first sight is no more because I am aware of the risks that it carries. How can we be in a relationship with a person we just met? Liking a person is different but falling in love at first sight is very risky because love is too strong an emotion to invest in someone you don't know properly.

I wish young girls and boys are taught about these not so charming aspects of love and relationships in their growing up years, so that heartbreaks do not catch them off-guard. More importantly, so that they know that all is not fair in love and war and that a certain kind of behaviour is problematic and unacceptable.

Views expressed are the author's own.