Parvarish Is Not Bigotry; Here's How Indian Parents Can Redefine It

"Kaisi parvarish di hai?", a phrase that is repeatedly used in Indian households to both praise and shame people. If your daughter doesn’t agree with everything her elder says, tries to make her own decisions and doesn’t take any sexist shit from people, her parents are blamed for her wrong parvarish. But if a daughter embodies the “pure woman”, her parvarish is upheld as a role model for every other woman in the world. But could it be possible that we have internalised a very narrow and sexist definition of parvarish?

Should good parvarish mean that parents have the right to interfere in the personal lives of their kids when they grow up? Should parvarish mean imposing the gender roles on sons and daughters? And should it mean that sons and daughters do not have the right to make their own decisions and live their life the way they want?

Now that we have begun achieving feminist goals in many aspects of society, it is high time that we focus on the patriarchy that thrives at home. It is time now to change the way we raise our kids; building a feminist generation should now be the primary parenting goal. So here are some changes that we need in the perception or definition of parvarish:

Parvarish should mean educating kids irrespective of their gender

To be counted as the responsible and game-changing human being in society, education is one of the primary requirements. Every woman and man need to get educated as much as they can and want to. So providing education to daughters and sons should be the basic idea of a good parvarish. And stop depriving daughters, the embodiment of Goddess Saraswati as society believes, from their right to basic education. Remember, there is no such term as “so educated”. Education will always work for the welfare of the person pursuing it and for the society in which they inhabit.

And if you think that education corrupt the minds of women, maybe you need to rethink what was the aim of your parvarish? To build a human who is empowered and independent or the one who is a mere subject of patriarchal control?

Parvarish Is Not Bigotry; Here's How Indian Parents Can Redefine It - We look at many critical issues

It should encourage critical thinking

The need of the hour for a human to be independent is to have critical thinking. The only difference between humans and animals is that humans can think, criticise and invent. So why shouldn’t parvarish encourage kids to think critically and question things that they see, learn and hear?

So dear parents, stop scolding a person just because they are critical and are not ready to swallow ideologies without understanding their impacts. Stop considering the freedom to question and disagree as an act of disrespect and a fault in the person’s upbringing. Irrespective of gender, class or caste, our constitution grants us the freedom of expression so why should parvarish mean curbing the basic legal rights?

It means not involving kids in family fights

To have differences, fights and arguments is very common in Indian families. Sometimes it is within the parents or with relatives or neighbours. But it is not right to involve kids in such fights because growing up in a dysfunctional family, witnessing and facing abuse can have worst consequences on health and life. A sign of good upbringing is to impart values of love, respect and kindness in kids and in the family. But yes, this does not mean imposing silence on injustice and harassment. There is a difference in being kind and in being submissive or ignorant.  

It should teach equality and empathy

One of the ways how we can build an equal society is by raising a generation that respects a person irrespective of their gender, caste or religion. We have all been a witness or survivors of the havoc that gender inequality, caste oppression and religious hostility unleashes in every person’s life. So how does it make sense to transport the same hatred and oppression in the coming generations too? As humans who have been through one of the worst times in the history of humanity, is it not our responsibility to empathise and build a better future?

So it is high time now that we include the ideas of equality based on gender, caste, religion and colour as an unavoidable part of parvarish. Let us normalise criticising the parvarish of those who spread hatred and practice discrimination rather than those who attempt to change them.

It shouldn’t impose religion or belief system

Often our society shames a person’s parvarish if they are not religious enough. If a person, especially a woman, doesn’t follow the rituals in ‘right’ manner or doesn’t believe in God or religion, it is considered as disrespect towards God, religion and its entire history. But is it not true that the constitution gives us the right to be a believer or a non-believer? Is it not true that a human, irrespective of gender, has the freedom to practice or showcase their devotion the way they want? Then why should parvarish prefer being faithful to a religious system rather than valuing personal choice? So make the freedom to believe, disbelieve and retell religion and myths as a part of parvarish.

It shouldn’t impose taboos

Just because our forefathers found it blasphemous to talk about period, sex and sexuality openly, it doesn’t mean that we can’t change. With the evolving time, it is a human and the society’s responsibility to grow and adapt to new changes. So is with taboos around period, sex and sexuality. Stop blaming the parents or their offsprings if they believe in shedding the silence on the taboos.

It is high time that we include period, sex and sexuality talks and awareness in parvarish. Because undeniably these are important in our lives. And how can a person be mature and evolved if they have no awareness or are reluctant to discuss the basic necessities of life?

It should teach about equal and mutual relationships

One of the basic needs for human survival that is missing in the ideas of parvarish is lessons on relationships. It is very common for Indian parents to portray love and relationships as something sinful or stain in the parvarish that they give to their kids. 

Will a person be happy in a relationship if they have never been taught how to sustain it and what are its necessities and boundaries? As far as women are concerned, a ‘good’ parvarish is when she conforms to the choices and demands of her husband and in-laws after marriage. But how can that parvarish be good if it devalues a woman’s consent and choices?

So dear society, parvarish doesn't give you the license to practice gender, racial or religious bigotry. It should mean raising self-sufficient daughter or son and focusing on their personal development. And not conforming to the morality, traditions and patriarchal power. 

The views expressed are the author's own.