Dear Ma, The Painful Words You Didn't Know Hurt Me

Not all mothers support their daughters in their decision to be educated, empowered, and single. Not all mothers allow their daughters to be outspoken. While mothers are the source of feminism in daughters’ lives, they are also the ones perpetuating patriarchal restrictions.

Recently, I came across a video in which Priyanka Chopra narrated a personal incident. She said that the daughter of her housekeeper, who was very curious about Chopra's library and wanted to learn, was pulled out of school because the housekeeper didn't have enough money to send both her son and daughter to school. Since the daughter is presumed to get married, the housekeeper decided to invest in the son's education.  Then Lily Singh talked about the time when she was born. She said that her family was disappointed and that no sweets were distributed because she was a girl.

When I come across the personal struggles of such famous figures, I feel that sexism doesn't leave anybody's life untouched. It is the common ground that unites every woman in India. Yet, this unity is not realised. Rather, it is used to alert the women of the next generation to keep them safe from the same struggles. And the responsibility to do this lies on the mothers, since they are women and have faced sexism. 

Many mothers assume that making their daughters demure and submissive is the best way to keep them safe in a patriarchal society. Because 'they know.' I wish, they actually knew that sexism will exist only until women let it take control...

Why Are Mother Daughter Relationships So Complex? 

To those mothers, I want to say that please don’t restrict your own daughters. It hurts. Being a woman yourself, you must be aware that how hard it is for women to survive patriarchal restrictions. Your daughter is an adult, so please treat her like one. Stop saying these seven things to your grown-up daughters because it deeply affects the relationship you share with them

1. Dress properly

Dear mothers, your daughter has grown up now. She knows what is comfortable for her to wear. So stop dictating her choices just because patriarchy wants you to. It is a patriarchal mindset of judging and policing women for their clothes. Let your daughter be free in whatever dress she chooses to wear.

2. Respect the elder, even if he is a harasser

Dear mothers, why don’t you understand that sexual harassment is the gravest crime. It deserves no apology and no forgiveness. Stop forcing your daughters to respect the men who didn’t bother to respect your daughters. Or else you will end up raising a submissive daughter who will silently bear injustice and never respect herself. Do you want your daughters to lose their self-respect?

3. You are impure

Whenever daughters bleed, mothers make them realise that they are impure. They are not allowed in scared places or kitchens. If we go by mythologies then period is a curse on womanhood. But dear mothers, in the modern-day when there is ample awareness to break period taboos, why do you still shame your daughters?

4. You need to go to your ‘own’ house

Dear mothers, it hurts when you say that the houses where we grew up are not our own. And that we will have to embrace strangers' families as our own without expecting the same from them. Dear mothers, for once, stop considering your daughters as paraya dhans. We are your genes. You have nurtured us for nine months and beyond. Then why do you alienate us?

5. Marriage is your only achievement

Dear mothers, it is high time for you to understand that marriage is a choice that a woman is free to make. Today women are independent enough to fend for themselves. They do not need a marriage or a man to ensure their safety and security. Rather than enforcing marriage on daughters, appreciate their success and encourage them to move forward. Because that is what is going to be her companion when no one else will.

6. 1-2 thappad chalta hai. You need to bear

Dear mothers, it really hurts when you normalise patriarchal violence. We understand that you have had a traumatic life marred by such violence. But does that mean your daughters too should bear it? Would it not be better if you raise your daughters as outspoken women who do not fear to speak up against any instance of injustice? Just what profit does it make by perpetuating the vicious cycle of generational oppression of women?

7. I can’t support you if you file for a divorce

It is already very difficult for a woman to take forward the daunting decision of seeking a divorce. But it becomes impossible if mothers do not hold their daughters’ back. Lack of support from mothers shows that once a daughter gets married, she breaks her ties with her parents and parental family. It is her marital life that can give her name, house and security. Why are women forced to undergo such painful and unjust practices? If mothers won’t understand the needs of their daughters, then who will? The mother-daughter relationship should be based on sisterhood and support. Dear mothers, are you listening?

Views expressed are the author's own.