Girlfriend Modern But Wife Traditional: What's With These Double Standards?

Why do men have different definitions of girlfriends and wives? By rejecting a modern girlfriend as a wife, aren’t we policing the character of women? Why is tradition considered outdated and modernness not wholly accepted? A cousin of mine wanted to marry her boyfriend. After a lot of persuasion, her family agreed to the alliance, that too because the guy was of the same caste. However, after some time, the man refused to marry my cousin. And when he was asked to explain his decision, he just said, “My family won’t accept a modern girl like you.”

Love marriages are not common in my family. In fact, my cousin would have been the first to have a love marriage in the entire khaandaan's history. Being a woman, it was a huge challenge for my cousin to try and break the norms of my family. But all her efforts when to waste, simply because she failed to identify the double standards that her boyfriend had early on. She realised what kind of mindset he had only when it was too late.

Today, my cousin holds the opinion that no matter how much a man likes you, he will eventually marry a woman who is approved by the family.

Adventurous Is Desirable But Not Acceptable

In Netflix’s latest Do Patti, we see exactly this. Kriti Sanon plays twin sisters Shailee and Saumya's character, and the only difference between the sisters is that one’s “gharelu” and the other is not. Her performance? Impressive. But the writing falls back on predictable tropes. (Read our review of Do Patti here.)

As stereotyped, the “non-gharelu” sister Shailee is adventurous, open-minded, flaunting short clothes, a smoker, a drinker, and flirtatious. Meanwhile, Saumya’s character is, of course, her exact opposite and that’s why “gharelu and marriage material.” 

Shaheer Sheikh's Dhruv, the spirited Haryanvi male lead, predictably falls for Shailee as the perfect girlfriend, someone vibrant and "adventurous." But when it comes to marriage, under pressure from family, he picks Saumya. However, this leads him to eventually realise he picked the “boring” sister. 

Modern Girlfriend vs Traditional Wife

Why do men have different definitions of girlfriends and wives? Why must girlfriends be modern but wives be traditional? By rejecting a modern girlfriend as a wife, aren’t men policing the character of women? What gives men the right to determine whether a woman deserves to be a wife or not?

The major problem is that men feel entitled to use women as per their convenience. They can date a woman who drinks wine and dances in pubs because here her ‘modernity’ becomes sexually appealing. But this doesn’t mean that they approve of a woman who is educated, outspoken and employed.

Men would still ‘protect’ the women of their families from being ‘infected’ by the virus of modernity. A modern woman is okay to have sex with, but not a lifetime commitment that involves family and society. Society considers traditional women as respectable, pure and worthy of being a wife and bahu who adds prestige to a family’s reputations.

Because of this, many parents do not educate their daughters or give them the freedom they deserve. In a bid to make them traditional wife material, parents forget that daughters have a life and individuality of their own. Ultimately, the pressure of marriage and of being chosen by a sanskari and a well-off family curbs a woman’s freedom to be who she wants to be.

But dear society, just why does society assume that a modern woman will not fit in with the family, while a sanskari submissive woman will do so easily? Are you trying to define the morality of women by segregating them as modern and traditional? Or are you trying to fathom how deeply a woman is conditioned to be a subject of patriarchy?

The definition of a traditional and modern woman is flawed in our society. Being traditional means being obedient and being modern means being rebellious- we are told, but for what, to simply control women’s decisions. And that is why Indian families like traditional bahus who will not question oppressive and orthodox mindsets, whereas men like modern girlfriends who will always be sexually available.

Women need to train each other to be able to see these double standards and stop rewarding duplicity in men and society. Only when we hold our ground, refuse to change the way we live and demand to be accepted as who we are, even at the cost of letting go seemingly lucrative marital prospects, will the society and its favoured gender feel pressed to change their approach.

Views expressed are the author's own.