If You Want A Partner That Gives You Everything, Marry A Mall?

When daughters get married, they are expected to be dependent on their husbands for everything. Rather than finding a job, women are expected to find a man with a high-paying job. It's because of such behaviour women are criticised and even called goal diggers by society. Parents make marriage only a way to achieve a house, name, security and payer. But, dear parents, if you want your daughters to ask for everything after marriage, wouldn’t it be better that you marry them to a mall - they can get everything at prices that they can pay for with their own money? 

Recently, I came across a case in which a woman earning 4 LPA, living in Mumbai, is searching for a husband who earns at least a crore plus salary per annum. Moreover, the husband should have his own home in the metro city and must be a surgeon, CA, or at any senior position or designation at a firm or a company. She also wants her husband to settle abroad in some European country, preferably Italy. 

Her demands went viral on social media Some people called her honest, and others cried about the worsening situation of the marriage market due to such expectations. Some even called it a form of dowry.

How marriage markets objectify both men and women

In marriage markets, it is very common to objectify women based on their looks and their ability to take care of the family. But men too are objectified based on their earning capacities. As I mentioned earlier, women are conditioned to seek independence only through their husband's money. However, in this case, the woman is demanding a husband with a hefty salary despite being independent. 

This shows that the idea of considering men as a medium of financial independence is so deep-rooted that even financially independent women seek husbands with money. Doesn't these expectations- from both men and women- make marriages a compromise, a business or a contract?

Expectation of groom by a 37 year old female earning 4,00,000 per year, translated from Marathi. This is next level delusion. pic.twitter.com/0ohyDboqpd

— Ambar (@Ambar_SIFF_MRA) April 2, 2024

Our society’s idea of marriage is unjust for both men and women. For women, it is a fetter that ties them to never-ending household responsibilities. And for men, it is a financial burden. They have to give up their life by working hard enough to pay for the unending needs and demands of the family and house. But never does it occur in society’s mind that marriage is a bond of equals. It is about supporting each other, sharing the burdens, connecting with love and understanding each other.

How women are conditioned to depend on husbands for financial freedom

Parents in our society never empower women to be able to support themselves or their husbands, if need be. It is always the husband who is expected to support the wife financially. This puts both men and women at a disadvantage. If women do not earn and depend on men for everything, they will feel helpless and obliged to them. 

My mother often tells me that she regrets her decision to not do a job. She doesn’t like being dependent on her husband for every penny. My granny, whose husband has unfortunately expired, also says that her husband would rarely give her any money. I had to literally beg for money if I needed something urgently. She says that before parents never taught their daughters to earn. Women are reduced to helpless dependent beings which has a lot of impact on their mental health and social position. 

The pressure that men face

Now for men, the pressure to earn enough to fend for the family is huge. Studies have proved that this pressure impacts their mental health. Suicide rates among men who have the pressure to earn are 3.5 per cent higher than women reeling under the pressure to fulfil traditional roles.

Pankaj Kumar, an aspiring entrepreneur in Dehri-On-Sone says that mental pressure is huge for him when it comes to marriage, family needs and socialisation.

“In society, men are judged in terms of their salary. Society would socialize with you if only you earn and earn well. I have sleepless nights thinking about my business and how I will earn enough to provide for my wife and family.” He also says, “ A man’s happiness is dependent on the recession in the market. If there is a recession, earnings suffer a dip and men have to reel under the pressure of how they will be able to meet the increasing needs of the family.”

“Marriage market too is obsessed with men who earn. It is almost time for me to get married. And I can’t even imagine how difficult my life is going to be,” he says.

Apart from the mental pressure, the idea of imposing financial responsibilities on men reduces the importance and opportunities given to women to be the bread earners or co-bred earners. If men alone are expected and raised as sole breadwinners, will women ever understand the importance of financial independence? How will the need for financial independence come naturally to them?

Shivam Prakash, Software Developer based in Bangalore said, “The pressure to earn is huge among men than it is among women. Although it is important to be financially independent, it is not a necessity for women in our society. Society can accept economically dependent women but that doesn’t apply to men. For men, if they sit at home with no earnings, they have to face rejections in marriage markets, taunts for being unemployed and whatnot.”

I am not trying to blame either men or women. Women are conditioned to not earn, quit their jobs and be dependent on their husbands for everything.

While husbands are burdened by the responsibility to take care of everything on their own. They can't even ask women, their partners, to support them because toxic masculinity has labelled that thought unmanly. And if the woman too is independent, her salary is considered secondary. Men feel ashamed of asking women for money. I recently interacted with single men if they would be comfortable and feel less burdened if they married working wives. While almost everyone agreed on the paper, no one was ready to open up about it in public. They refused to share the article with their families because they were afraid that they would be judged. 

That's why I say women should marry malls. They can get everything, including empowerment because you don't get things for free in malls. You have to earn.

Marriage is for partnership; not to fulfill needs

Jokes aside, dear readers, if you are a parent, then raise your daughters to be independent and not helpless and submissive beings. And remove the burden on your sons to prove their validity by being able to shoulder the financial responsibility of the entire family. And if you are not parents, then dear men and women, change what marriage means to you. It is not about submissiveness or burdens. Or about fulfilling needs. It is about sharing, caring and loving. Women and men should support each other in every burden and struggle. Marriage is about two people, not one.

As far as marriage markets are concerned, dowry and objectification are wrong for both men and women. So get rid of the perception that the partner you are marrying is just the medium to fulfil your needs and desires. Marriage is for partnership. Fulfil your needs and desires on your own.  

Views expressed are the author's own

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