My Husband Is A Part Of My Life, Not Everything

What is an equal marriage? Is there one? Shaadi ke baad pati hi sab kuch hota ha, how often have daughters or newlywed brides been told this? I guess always. This idea is indoctrinated in daughters not only through words but by actions too. Mothers respect their husbands as parmeshwar and in turn teach their daughters to do so. It is a part of generational patriarchy we all are trying to stage our battle against. Because isn't marriage about happiness of two, rather than one?

We live in a society where husbands are addressed as AAP while husbands are not expected to address their wives as AAP. Pati is always parmeshwar while wives are the servants, this is what patriarchy has deemed right. Be it in mythologies or in real life, husbands have always been revered as greater than women, not just because they are older but because they are men. But is it right to revere a person just for their gender? Doesn’t this point out that our mindsets are still stuck in traditional patriarchy?

Women are taught to consider their husbands as gods, their entire life and to attach their wellbeing with that of the husband. This is all just because husbands are men and have the right to earn and give some penny in the wife’s hands. But what about women’s individuality? What about her career, health and dreams? Why are women forced to put their choices and agency on the back burner after getting married? Does marriage imply the wellbeing and success of just the male gender?

Women forced to quit jobs post marriage

Because of this stereotype, women have to pay a huge price. Studies show many women who are educated and have jobs are forced to quit after marriage. A 10 per cent drop has been witnessed in the female labour force of India according to International Labour Organisation as married women are quitting their jobs. The reason is that married women are not able to balance the burden of professional and personal life.

If we go by the studies, it is clear that the burden at home after &t=1120s">marriage is much more than professional life or that women value their role as a wife more than their empowerment. I know that to some extent it is a choice. But is it true in every case? Can we confidently say that every woman who quits a job after marriage does so because of her choice? And not because they are forced to do so or because they are conditioned to believe that husband’s welfare is more important?

Women ignore their health

Moreover, since women are expected to look after the wellbeing of the husband, they ignore their own health. They devote themselves to making the lives of their husband easier and healthier while ignoring the impact it is having on their own health. My mother for example wakes up at 5 and starts preparing breakfast and lunch for my father who has to leave for office around 9. She literally doesn’t eat a bite before 1 pm until my father and children have settled in their work and all the housework has finished. She doesn’t even care how this affects her health because she thinks that her happiness and wellbeing lies in that of her husband’s and children’s welfare.

Speaking to SheThePeople, Dr Anita Gupta, a senior consultant for Obstetrics and Gynaecology says, "In India, especially in non-urban areas, women are overburdened with household work and caretaking of the family members in addition to the lack of finances and technology. This leads to a lot of physical and mental strain. She actually doesn't have time and energy to take care of herself. Many times the husbands are also not available as they are out for work."

Women justify domestic violence

There are still many things that women lose because of the enforcement of the idea or the conditioning that the husband is everything. It is because of this mindset that many women bear physical and sexual abuse. They are conditioned to think that whatever the husband does is right, be it loving or abusing.

As per the recent National Family Health Survey 2019, shockingly many women justified domestic violence. In the state of Telangana, 83.8 per cent of the respondents justified abuse of the wife by the husband. And this is not a new thing because in 2018’s National Family Health Survey 52 per cent of women respondents felt it reasonable for the husband to hit his wife. Only 42 per cent had agreed to the same.

So are mothers, fathers, grandmothers and society mapping the risk that they are taking by conditioning women to value their husband’s choice more than their own? Are they even concerned about the consequences that women might have to face? Is it not true that many mothers tell their daughters that 1-2 thappad is normal in marriage? Then whom should daughters depend on for better upbringing and support?

Dear women, depend on yourself. Don't give in to unsolicited advice and conditions. Know about their rights, reservations and dreams. Own yourselves- your health, dream and body- and don't immolate any of them for anyone. I am not saying that don't respect your husband or his choice but just don't let them overpower yours. Marriage is about the growth and happiness of two people, not one.

Views expressed are author's own