Learn To Say No: Precious Life Lessons I Learnt From My Father-In-Law

My father-in-law was an intellectual, a prominent writer and critic in Hindi. Nobody dared to take him lightly, but he indulged us (me and my sister-in-law- his bahus). He would talk to us, give us advice and teach us many things. It’s been eight years since he passed away but what I learnt from him I cannot forget.

Women often talk about the precious life lessons that they learn from their fathers, but not much is said about what they learn from the patriarchs of their marital homes. Why is that? Perhaps the reason for that is an invisible wall of customs and hesitation that stands between and bahu and her sasur, due to which they seldom interact in most households.

But like me, many daughters-in-law in India find another in the house that they marry into, the one who not only supports them, gives them valuable advice but also helps them adjust better in their surroundings. The lessons fathers-in-law provide as precious as the one a woman might learn from her father- because the intent with which they come- that of care, is same for both the sources dispensing them.

So here are some important life lessons from my father-in-law:

Learnt to love reading

Even though I was a reader from early on in my life, after my marriage my father-in-law taught me about a passion called reading and books. He lived and breathed books. He taught me how to choose the right books and authors for myself. He would ask me to read a book and then would sit me down to discuss it. He introduced me to many authors like Jean-Paul Sartre, Earnest Hemmingway, Rabindranath Tagore, and many noted Russian authors. He knew I likes to paint, so he asked me to read Transits of a Wholetimer by S Kalidas on J Swaminathan and Atma Ka Tap by Sayad Haider Raza. Once when I was feeling low, so he asked to read Indira: The Life of Indira Nehru Gandhi by Katherine Frank, and said I should learn from this former Prime Minister on how to fight adversities. I loved books even before I got married, but I owe it to my father-in-law to convert me to a proper bibliophile.

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Learnt to say ‘No’

Being a new bride I was accepting and adjusting to anything that was told to me. I remember my father-in-law explaining to me once that it’s okay to say ‘no’ to things that I don’t like or don’t want to do. Essentially he was teaching me to have my own boundaries or everyone will take me for granted. He was a fiercely private person and saw the same streak in me and acknowledged it.

Stand-up and speak for the downtrodden and voiceless

My father-in-law leaned to the ‘left’ ideologically. So, to stand and fight for the weak and underprivileged was ingrained in him. He did not look down on anyone due to their social or economic status; he treated everyone in the same respectful manner. After he passed away we got to know how he lent money to people in need and never asked them to return it.

Words are powerful

My father-in-law taught me how to cut a person's perspective and get your point across with just words. I saw first-hand whenever I was with him how this worked every time. He was so knowledgeable and well-read that he knew when to, what to say and to whom. Nobody could take him for granted. I learnt that a person need not yell or shout to be heard, just the right words conveyed with conviction will do the job.

Views expressed are the author's own.