Why Do We Constantly Tell Women To Calm Down During Disagreement?

'Calm down, it's not a big deal,' 'Calm, down, stop being over emotional', 'Calm, down, stop overreacting,' Calm down, don't make a scene,' 'Calm down, you look stupid,' I have heard most of these bits of advice at the drop of a hat; I'm sure, as women, you have, too. Recently, research revealed that labelling women as emotional, especially during a disagreement, can negatively affect the legitimacy of their arguments. Intriguingly, but not surprisingly, when men are considered emotional or told to 'calm down, their validity does not take a hit because our society is unwilling to accept that men can be emotive too. The issue is that these statements and presumptions of women not being capable of reacting accurately or taking decisions practically because they're emotional don't denote that the male mind is superior to women, it just validates that the environment around us, without relevancy, serves as an advantage to a behaviour that is dominated by aggression and limitless competitiveness that usually a lot of males portray and are applauded for, and anyone who doesn't fit the profile, irrespective of gender, does not belong.

I recall an incident in 2015 when British Chess Master Nigel Short commented that women’s brains are not hard-wired for chess, pointing out that women indeed have greater emotional intelligence than men. I don't take this as a compliment, because it isn't. What it is is a mere stereotype and preconceived notion that women are plain emotional, and they fail to rise to occasions where they are required to perform with utmost mental strength and detached commitment. Nigel Short's statement, just like most people's statements around the same lines, surfaces more underlying problems than one. I, for one, do not understand why emotional capability and brain-mental ability are looked at differently.

Using the term emotional in a cynical sense and limiting women to it in most circumstances is an outright ridicule of women and the power of emotionality. It not only wrongs women in identifying their capabilities and strength but also disregards men's ability to feel emotional, too. And that's just a start. The problem begins when society as a whole conditions children into believing this thought process and enables their entitled behaviour.

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The research, which surfaced opines and survey answers of people across gender, showcased that labelling women as emotional can undermine their credibility, especially when they are trying to reason during a disagreement. The study further revealed that one in eight Americans think that women are "too emotional" to have a career in politics. Why only America, from what I've heard and experienced six in eight people in India think that.

It is disrespectful to encourage women to always calm down while expressing their opinions on their work since it completely disregards the matter in the first place and instead portrays women as irrational and simply incorrect. The problem is deeper because we're viewing emotions negatively, we're critically recognising expressions and kinds of expressions as impractical and as a sign of weakness.

"How can displaying emotion imply a lack of control? Isn't the power of emotion so substantial that it makes us more headstrong towards a cause, issue or work and enables us to value it and pursue it more passionately?"

In 2019, Oprah Winfrey revealed in a candid interview that she was highly criticised for "expressing too much" on her show 60 Minutes. "It's never a good thing when I have to even practise saying my name in a certain manner as I have been told that I show too much emotion in my name." Citing an incident when she had to do seven takes for her induction because it seemed too emotional, Winfrey disclosed that she was advised to flatten her voice and display less emotion during news reads."

“The problem doesn’t lie with the word emotional, the issue surfaces when it seeps into the fabric of society where women are stereotyped of behaving irrationally because they are emotional. Society has accommodatingly taken a word that stands so powerful and used it to negate women’s arguments, actions and reactions, however legitimate they may be.”

The dangers of these stereotypes are enormous because the social phenomenon is predominately ruled by them. The study highlights how gaslighting is one such phenomenon where abusers constantly label the other party as emotional in order o outrightly invalidate the abuse in question. The legitimacy of the woman voicing her opinion is often derailed because she is not considered rational. Stereotypes haven't just been limited to being emotional for women. Women are often called bossy and dominating when they are fiercely and unabashedly performing their duties in a higher position. In a similar situation, when men perform their duties as bosses, they are termed as 'good leaders.'

The image of women being confined to motherly and conforming to norms is much more appealing to society that the image of women being confrontational and confident. Now, calling women emotionally intelligent does not seem like much of a compliment, does it? Because it limits them to a bracket and their otherwise powerful trait, is used against them when they're acting upon it however authentically.

Labelling women as emotional also disregards men's ability to express emotions

Men being stereotyped for being inexpressive and unemotional is an extension of the same threat of stereotypes that women are accustomed to. Men who are high on expressing emotions are often termed feminine and their sentiments invalid. This completely dismisses their rightfulness when they express emotions over something they are affected by.

When women become emotional during an argument or a discussion, it becomes a common notion that they are in the wrong and using their emotions because they fear losing. The clichés that tell us that men are reasonable because they are less emotive and hence successful in all that they do is nothing but an unfavourable way of surfacing harsh realities about patriarchy, inequality and dominant behavioural license all the way. 

Labelling women for all their actions, reactions and justifications have become so common and overriding that we have completely disregarded how men are treated, interpreted or understood. There's a radius defined for all genders and people should act within it, irrespective of how they feel. This is deep-rooted, faulty and stereotypical in more ways than one, and only if we're collectively willing to erase these lines, will we be able to move past judgements and move forward as a society that values all people, equally.

Views expressed by author are their own