Can We Stop Telling Widows That They Are Being "Punished"?

Losing one's life partner is one of the most traumatic experiences a person has to go through. Due to the practice of marrying women off at an early age, the wide age gap between the man and the wife, and the lower life expectancy of men, it is women who often have to experience this ordeal. But are women to be blamed for their husbands' demise, especially at a young age or in case of sudden deaths?

Earlier this year, I lost my father of a cardiac arrest, he was 65. My mother, who is eight years younger than him, was alone in the house when he passed away right in front of her eyes. I don't know what is harder - losing a parent suddenly or watching the parent who survives cope with the loss. What's more, she had to deal with her husband's death while completing all the necessary legal formalities and dealing with friends, relatives and acquaintances who had reached out to offer their condolences.

It is almost cruel when you have to recount the incident again and again and just shrug your shoulders when people ask, "What exactly happened? What went wrong? What more could have been done?" The worst part, however, has to be the pitiful gaze that seems to be hiding a specific line of thought - thank God it is not us or my God this could happen to us too. Despite their best intentions, most people in our society do not know how to approach a grieving person, and as a result they end up saying things that hurt more than they soothe.

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Indian widows and social tendency of piling guilt

A close acquaintance, for instance, told my mother that God had "punished" her by inflicting such a tragedy upon her. They were deeply sympathetic, crying even, and only meant to share the pain they felt. But does any grieving person need to be told that they are being punished? Isn't losing a loved one akin to punishment, you might ask? But then doesn't punishment imply that you have done something wrong for which you deserve it?

A still from Pagglait.

Do we realise the kind of effect such statements might have on a widow's mental health? When she is caught in an endless cycle of pain, how will burdening her mind further with guilt help her?

" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Widowhood not only changes the life of a woman but also alters her social status. A married woman is perceived to be leading a wholesome life. Her sindoor brings her a social standing, she is invited to be part of rituals and customs only meant to be performed by her kind. People assume that she is taken care of financially and is leading her best life. Her professional achievements and her capabilities as an individual are not seen as contributors to her fulfilling life, the credit fully goes to her marital status. Widowhood changes all that. She is now perceived to be a bechari, even if she is financially independent and perfectly capable of fending for herself and her children, she is pitied. How society sees a widow is less about her grief and loss and more about the standing that men have in our patriarchal society.

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Over the last five months, I have seen my mother learn to live on her own, manage her finances and try to rebuild her life slowly. What I see is a strong and resilient woman who is struggling to overcome a tragedy that has changed the course of her life forever. Despite the trauma, she refused to give up on life. I wish others could see that too, instead of simply seeing a 50 something woman who lost her husband prematurely and pondering over what her life should have or could have been, if only...

Losing a partner is not a punishment, it is a fact of life that one half of every couple has to deal with sooner or later. Instead of forcing women into the endless pit of mourning, expecting them to live, dress and behave a certain way, why can't we focus on easing their suffering, helping them get back on their two feet and telling them that life is not over yet. You can continue to live, you can learn to be happy again, enjoy again and do so without any guilt of having outlived your loved one.

The views expressed are the author's own.