Dear Parents, Support Your Kids Without The Urge To Control Them

This morning I came across a poem by Khalil Gibran about the relationship between children and parents. Titled On Children, the poem talks about how kids have their own life, likes and individuality even if they are born and brought up by their parents. Parents can give birth to the kids but cannot decide how their life is going to unfold. As much as kids belong to parents, they belong to themselves too. "They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you," he writes.

The poem became an answer to many questions in my mind. In our society, it is common for parents to assume that because they give birth to their kids, and pay for their education and needs, they deserve to have absolute control over their lives. Some parents end up making decisions for their kids and making them feel as if they owe their every breath to their parents.

But is this right? Should parenting be about controlling the lives of one's children? Shouldn’t parenting be unconditional? Must kids feel obliged and indebted by the support they gain from their parents? And do parents know the amount of stress such an approach inflicts on their children?

Should I give up on my dreams for the sake of fulfilling my parents' expectations?

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What parents controlling children and their lives should realise

I was in my teens when I realised that I had to pay back what my parents gave to me. Earlier, it was just a way to express my love and gratitude towards them. But later, it became an imposition. One night, my father screamed at me and my sister for wasting his money on coaching institutes because we changed our minds. And later he scolded me for staying in a flat that he pays for and doing nothing in life (as in not doing something that my parents wanted).

A still from Two States

These incidents ultimately made me feel that everything that my parents are doing for me is a loan that I have to pay back later in life. This created a lot of pressure in my mind which became even worse whenever I faced setbacks in my career. All I could think was how will I repay my parents? Should I give up on my dreams for the sake of fulfilling my parents' expectations? Must I mould my life as per their liking because they gave me an upbringing and access to opportunities that many others couldn't have?

I know I didn’t have to live under these pressures. But this realisation only dawned on me when it was too late. So to other parents, I would like to say that stop seeing your kids as your investments. It takes a lot of strength to unconditionally love someone and provide them with everything. But then that is what makes parenting unique, different and one of the most selfless and loving bonds know to mankind. I am not saying that kids should not do anything for their parents or justifying ungrateful behaviour. Neither should parents stop looking out for their children once they reach adulthood. But there is a fine line between supporting and controlling someone's life. The sense of ownership needs to go from Indian style of ">parenting. Only then will children and parents have a healthy relationship that is marred by resentment.

Views expressed are the author's own.