Dear Mothers-In-Law, Getting Your Son’s Attention Is Not A Competition

I remember a newly married friend once telling me that whenever she and her husband sat down to watch TV in the evening, her mom-in-law would come and sit between them as if to say “you may have married him but he’s my son first.” She was not alone in having to deal with a territorial mother-in-law. I also know of a family where every day when the son came home from work, his mother would complain about his wife on some pretext or the other, just few months into the marriage. Due to the complaints, the son would go and yell at his wife. After a couple of years when it became too much for the daughter-in-law to bear she just moved out. While both his parents have now passed away, the son is now living alone after his wife opted for a legal separation. That is how long the repercussions of such a tug-of-war can last.

Indian mothers are so possessive of their sons that they cannot bear another woman (their daughter-in-law) in their son’s life. But then they have to get him married because that is what social norms demand and the family also needs a waaris (heir) to carry forward the family name, isn’t it?

But, why do Indian mothers-in-law feel threatened by the presence of daughters-in-law? There are many reasons.

Mothers get power by begetting a son

In India, giving birth to a son means a woman has fulfilled her ultimate duty. As a result, she becomes the power centre of her family, drawing her status from the mere presence of a son. Now, she has got this power and prestige for the first time after she was born. Her existence was seen as a burden, but all that overturned, by simply winning a genetic lottery. So, she doesn’t want to give up this special status- especially in her house and in the life of her son. The first time she feels threatened is when a younger woman comes into the household and captures the attention of her son. Now she feels she has to gain back the attention of her son. She does this by pointing out shortcomings in younger woman, her daughter-in-law, that she can’t cook as well as she does, or that she is not a good house manager etc.

Indian women are dependent

Most Indian mothers are homemakers. They have invested all their lives in to building those of their children. Due to societal norms they cannot live with their daughters and that leaves the son.

Also, women in our society are dependent on their men folk, be it their father, brother, husband and then son for the running of their lives. Most women in India are brought up and trained to be good housekeepers, daughter-in-laws, wives and mothers and are never encouraged to become career oriented and so are financially dependent on their men folk. It’s due to this dependency that women are possessive of the men in their lives. First it’s their husbands and then their sons, and the fact that most men are expected to take care of their parents, it becomes logical that after her husband the woman is dependent on the son for her needs. So they want to make sure the son is still there for them, and provides for them.

Suggested Reading: Why Must Elderly Care Rest Solely With A Daughter-In-Law?

Fear of divided attention

When a woman becomes a mother she gives her children her undivided attention (sons more than daughters sadly). She assures him that no matter what happens she will always be with him. He becomes the pride of her eyes. Many Indian women sacrifice their youth and bear everything just to see her kid raised well and successful. The sons also see their mother's sacrifices and so they feel obligated to fulfill all their wishes and make them feel cared for.

When two people are so possessive and emotionally invested in each other, there is hardly a place for a third person in their lives and that's what a daughter-in-law ends up becoming in her own marriage- the third one.

The fear that the son’s new wife will take away the rights of the mother is enough to make her fight it out. The result can bring disharmony in the family. There can be arguments and misunderstandings in the family which can lead to separation and ultimately divorce.

Daughters don’t get to care for parents

According to Indian society daughters are ‘paraya dhan’ from the time they are born. They are meant to be groomed and reared to become some other family’s daughter-in-law and wife. Because she is given dowry and given away through ‘kanyadaan’ she is no longer a part of her birth family and hence no responsibility is given to her. And so the sole responsibility of taking care of parents lies with the son.

Thankfully, our Supreme Court has now given the right to take care of her parents to every Indian daughter. A landmark judgement by the Bombay High Court from 2016 says that a married woman too is responsible for maintaining her parents. I believe this to be by far the most righteous step towards women’s equality and will ease the Indians sons of the responsibility to take care of parents all by themselves. This could also keep mothers-in-law from competing with their daughters-in-law, in order to get their son's attention.

Things are of course changing now. With more women in the workforce, moms there days are not clinging on to their sons for finacial support or any other kind. I think it will do us good as a society to realise that a son is not some kind of a bank account that you put money into and expect returns in the form of free shelter in your old age. If that is the logic, then we should stop pretending that motherhood is something to be worshipped in India. It is nothing but selfishness on the parents’ part to emotionally blackmail their sons and control their lives to make sure they have someone to take care of them in their old age.

Views expressed are the author's own.