Dear Men, Don’t Marry A Woman To Turn Her Into Your Mom!

A couple gets married and they start living together, maybe alone or with his parents. All seems hunky-dory at first, each partner tries to put their best foot forward. But soon the façade drops down as they try to lead a regular life. The woman misses her maternal home, while the man starts looking for all things familiar that make his life easier, and in that, one major thing he seeks is his mother’s presence or constant fussing. The husband doesn't realise when he starts looking for his mom in his wife.

When he doesn’t see any similarity he starts comparing his wife with his mother and goes on to tell her, “My mother does this chore that way” or “look at how she maintains her relationships, learn from her”. By saying this, the man wants to convey that how his mom did things is the right way to do it. Well, this is the first step by the man to try and turn his wife into his mom.

Yes, we get it; a mother is the first woman in every man's life, and as a result, his mother will always be his best reference about what a woman should be. That’s simple to understand. But, “see how well maa manages the house” or “how differently and deliciously she prepares a simple dish like daal”, is not about setting a scale in your head. It is about forcing a woman to set herself in the mould of another.

I have a friend, who told me her husband once said, “Look at mummy, in the evenings she dresses up to welcome us from office, can’t you do the same?” But the worse expectation was when the spouse of one of my cousins told her to leave her job after having a baby because the women in his house (more specifically his mom) also did the same.

Why must a wife follow her mother-in-law's footsteps all the time? She comes from a different background and maybe is used to doing things differently. Who can judge which way of doing things and living is better than the other?

Turning wife into mom: Indian men don't want to grow up

One of the most important reasons for men to try to turn their wives into their mothers is the Peter Pan syndrome. It’s called such because like Peter Pan, who lived in Neverland never wanted to grow up, Indian men too fail to grow out of their childhood in some aspects. Indian mothers are known to pamper their sons and will mollycoddle them right upto adulthood. The Peter Pan men are the ones who want a wife similar to their mother so they can feel secure, safe, cherished and taken care of. Meaning that they don’t want a life partner, they simply want a replica of their mom.

“You know my son is not used to picking up his plate after his meal” or “In our house the men don’t enter the kitchen”. Are but some examples of how men are treated in their own home, so such a man will definitely not want to listen to his wife if she asks him to help out at home. Instead he will try and urge her to follow his mother’s way of doing things, which would conveniently leave less chores on his plate.

Suggested Reading: When We Talk About Marriage To Women, We Should Also Normalise Divorce

We all know that a mother can never be replaced. Likewise a wife is also not replaceable as well. If a man acts and behaves like his wife is replaceable, then the marriage will soon become an unstable one.

Another reason why men want to convert their spouse into their mothers is the ‘raja beta syndrome’. Most boys and men in Indian society are bought up entitled and spoilt. When a wife tries to tell her husband that he is doing certain things wrongly, it will be difficult for him to accept. One of my closest friends told me her spouse said, “I am not wrong, my mother never told me so, you only see everything wrong in me, in fact she is my soulmate, and she understands me best." Of course raja betas can do no wrong, so how can a woman, who entered his life so late, dare to point out his flaws? He will not change, but will try to change his wife to maintain status quo.

A man can’t expect his wife to be like his mother or vice-versa, everyone is an individual entity with a unique style and attribute. For example, even identical twins, exposed to the same environmental influence and nurtured by the same parents can never have the same attributes and also their approach to things will be different. Also, will the men like it if women start comparing their husbands with their fathers? Certainly not.

No woman likes a place where she isn’t appreciated for her individuality whether it’s the mother or the wife. Your wife and mother can’t have the same attributes and styles, accept it. Celebrate their individuality not try and make one a clone of the other.

Views expressed are the author's own.