Dear Men, Your Wife Is First Your Life Partner, Then Your Parents' Bahu

A cousin who had an arranged marriage once told about the discrimination she had faced at her in-laws' place, that too on her first night in the house. There were a lot of guests to be accommodated that night, including her sister-in-law and her husband. In her marital family for some reason, the son-in-law was treated like God. Maybe because this particular one had a very fragile ego. Since she came from a very open-minded family and she was considered equal to her brother, the difference in treatment meted out to her and the son-in-law stuck out like a sore thumb.

So, that night all of them could not be accommodated in the three bedrooms of the house. My cousin's mother-in-law asked her to adjust for one night by sleeping in the living room along with the other cousins and aunts so that the elderly people of the household can take the other two rooms, while their son-in-law could be accommodated in their room. To his credit, the son-in-law proposed to find accommodation for himself in a hotel. But it was very late at night, so her in-laws urged him to stay back at the house.

My friend was really offended by her in-laws' behaviour, as this was her first night in her new home and there was no way she was going to sleep in the midst of a bunch of strangers. And as their daughter-in-law, she expected that she be given the same respect that the son-in-law was receiving.

Her husband, who is generally a very calm and soft-spoken person, took a very firm stance and told his mom that this is not going to happen. She tried convincing him multiple times, but he was firm on his decision. He said “No. She will not sleep outside. If you can't accommodate us, we will go out and find a hotel”. My cousin says that the sense of security and protection she felt from her husband that night is something that she'll never forget.

That night he set the tone to his family on how his wife is to be treated. From that moment onwards, she has been treated at par with the son-in-law by her ">in-laws.

Suggested Reading: Why Do Indian Families Have Different Standards For Their Beti And Bahu?

Marriage is first and foremost between two people, not their families

A woman gets married to a man and not to his whole family, as its assumed in India. When she does get married the family is in the picture alright, but everything begins and ends with her partner for all practical purposes. They are a unit now. When will we as a society understand this? When will Indian men realize this?

A friend of mine told me her husband found it very difficult to break away from his parents' influence and form a unit with her. He said, "How can I think separately about us without taking them into consideration, till they are alive?" Well, nobody is asking men to go separate ways from their parents once married, but does this mean that men must sideline their wives?

Indian husbands let in-laws control the home front

Once a daughter-in-law enters the house, every member of her matrimonial family tries to teach her their way of life. We do this thing, this way, we don't eat this, we don't wear these types of clothes in front of our elders etc etc.

And the most important role in this transition is played by the mother-in-law. Just to show that she has been here since eons and knows the family and its way of life inside-out, so she knows and does things better he daughter-in law will ever do.

A husband needs to understand that his newly married wife is bound to feel overwhelmed, thus he should show support and help her adjust. Because like in my cousin's case above, the stand he takes for her will be the boundary he will draw for others in his family.

A daughter-in-law is a family member not a home manager

Bahus are considered or expected to be house managers from day one. So, the mother-in-law takes it on herself to train her. But does she realise that her bahu is here to be a companion to her son and not just to run the house? Indian families and even husbands conveniently forget this, they consider it their right to ask the daughter-in-law to do whatever they want her to and if she objects then all hell breaks loose. A bahu who stands up against oppression in the name of traditions is called besharam and a home wreaker. Her husband will mostly be a mute spectator to the toxic behaviour being meted out to his life partner.

Thus in most homes it becomes an unequal match between the daughter-in-law on one side and rest of the family on the other. This is when the role of her husband, who is also the son of the house, becomes important. He can restore the balance in his household by negotiating with his parents and extend support to his wife, which will also provide her assurance that she isn't alone.

Suggested Reading: If A Wife Wants Alone Time With Her Husband, It Doesn't Mean She Wants To Split The Family

Does type of marriage matter?

In India love-marriage is considered a taboo, so once a couple chooses to marry and the man's family accepts his choice, the couple feel indebted to the family and will go to any length to please them, but sometimes the family crosses certain boundaries as far as the daughter-in-law is considered. The husband, on the other hand, will try and stay out of it as he feels he cannot "hurt" them further by siding with his wife. And so she's left alone to fight her own battles.

While if it's an arranged marriage then the families choose a partner for their son, so it feels that it's their right to interfere and direct their daughter-in-law. In such a situation also, the man keep quite while his family tries to dominate over his wife, mostly because there is a sense of formality in the marriage, since the two partners initially do not know each other well enough to feel emotionally invested in each other, at least enough to take on the whole family for each other's sake. By the time they do develop feelings of care and love for each other, the dynamics are already set in stone in the household.

But, whether it's a love or arranged alliance the couple needs to acknowledge that for a successful marriage, they need to have each other's back. Their marriage is the core unit which holds the family together. And if this core is strong only then will they be able to run their household efficiently.

Views expressed are the author's own.