My Husband Is An Alcoholic But I Am Responsible? How Does This Work?

"My husband is an alcoholic but I am constantly told to manage him." I have heard this from so many women. Somehow in our society women are expected to take care of their husband, defend their reputation and speak for them. In fact wives or girlfriends are not seen as equal partners but as babysitters of men. Is it because they are 'raja betas' despite everything?

So is it right to render women’s identity as caretakers of men? And is it right for men to be dependent on women?

Why should women be responsible to rehabilitate men?

Let us go back in time. Sushant Sigh Rajput’s death and its investigation opened a whole can of worms about his alleged indulgence in drugs. But who paid the cost for it? Rhea Chakraborty, his girlfriend. People trolled her for not taking care of Rajput. But was it fair to blame Chakraborty for not being vigilant enough? Was Rajput not responsible to take care of himself? And just why was Rhea Chakraborty supposed to be responsible for him?

This is not something new in our society. Women are often blamed if men falter and are made responsible to babysit and rehabilitate them. When it comes to alcoholism, I have personally witnessed how some alcoholic men have been married so that their wives can take care of them.

It is always assumed that after marriage, a man’s life becomes stable because there is a woman who improves his life by plucking out the bad habits. It is not limited to alcoholism alone. Women are expected to improve and adjust with men who are abusive and disrespectful towards women. And when women are not able to do it, they are blamed for not being good partners.

But do we even understand how this mindset affects women? Is it right to ask a woman to be with a ">man who needs to improve himself? And should the responsibility to rehabilitate him fall on the woman? Shouldn’t men be responsible enough to take care of themselves? Why should men be brought up as Raja Betas who need a woman to hold them from behind?

Moreover, a relationship is about being equal partners of each other and not about controlling each other's choices. In an equal relationship, a woman cannot force a man who is an adult to decrease his alcoholism. The man should be responsible enough to keep a check rather than being dependent on the woman. And by expecting women to change or improve men, we are defining relationships not as a bond of equals but as rehabilitation centres for men who falter. It builds the dynamics of caretaker and man-child in the relationship which can never be about equality.

Would men ever act as caretakers?

Let us also face it, if women were alcoholics, would men act as caretakers? Would men try to rehabilitate them? No. Rather a woman will be character assassinated for indulging in alcoholism and rendered unfit for having a respectable and married life. Why do we follow such double standards? If, for men, alcoholism is only a bad habit that can be rehabilitated, why is it not so for women? If it is okay for women to act as caretakers for men, why can’t men do so? Or do we assume that caregiving is only a woman’s job?

I am not denying the fact that in relationships partners take care of each other. But the caregiving should be on equal grounds. It shouldn't be women alone who act as caregivers and men as breadearners. Women too deserve to be cared for equally. Moreover, there is a difference between caretaking and being a babysitter. Women shouldn't be made responsible for improving the wrong habits of the male partner who only focuses on earning money. They are partners, not teachers or mothers. Women should rather walk out of a relationship that forces them to adjust with a man-child.

The views expressed are the author's own.