Can Friendship Be Preserved At The Risk Of Losing Agency Over Your Own Identity?

Relationships are a whole other ball game but friendships are forged from special cooperations that persist across joys and heartbreaks. A good friend with a trusty shoulder to cry on, a patient ear that listens and a firm hand that holds you close can get you through just about anything. But does a risk still persist of us losing ourselves, with our individuality in tow, to these bonds we rely on?

There was a strange habit I picked up when I was a schoolgirl. I used to imitate the handwriting of the classmate I sat next to during lessons. My notebooks, therefore, were a tapestry of many odd writing styles, in addition to my own immaculate cursive hidden between the pages.

This continued for a few grades before I made such a horribly designer 'S' with a duck's beak on the edge of the spiral in an exam that my teacher was compelled to call me out on it. The earful I got at home from my teacher-mom was double. I put an end to the habit.

Today, it seems like an altogether cringe and unnecessary moment from my childhood but stands as a fitting reminder of how important preserving your own identity is. We are built of composite experiences that shape each of us into unique selves. But do we always remember this when investing too deeply in friendships?

What if the person we trust with our emotions and secrets ends up misusing their power over our lives to manipulate us, consciously or subconsciously? What does one do, if there comes a point in this relationship when a friendship can only be sustained by sacrificing one's individuality?

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&t=4s">Gaslighting and manipulation aren't just tools that conniving partners use to dominate over romantic relationships. In the hands of a wrong friend, they are just as effectively destructive. This person will take the liberty to orchestrate your relationships for you, dictate what you should and shouldn't do, be engaged in competition with you.

In all your faith for this particular friend, is it possible to always have the discretion of claiming agency over your own choices? Can you hold your ground in the face of opposition from your 'friend' to a decision you want to make? Does this friendship provide for that safe space to disagree?

People get away with calling their fat friends 'moti' and other derivatives because all is supposed to be fair in friendship. And can the one being targeted run the risk of losing their friends if they hit back on the namecalling?

They would be accused of spoiling the fun. No one wants to be a party pooper.

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What makes a true friend? Someone who appreciates you as you are without losing out on the friendship-authorised promise of always striving to push you forward to your best, even if that takes a bit of chiding when you're being silly. But does this free rein entitle them to body-shame or slut-shame you? Or to hold you back from success? Or guilt you when you hold a view different from theirs?

Being oblivious to your agency or letting someone coerce you into losing it altogether through unfair oaths - 'tujhe meri kasam' - is not what you deserve. It's not what anyone deserves.

So should setting up boundaries in a friendship be as taboo as it is made out to be?

Friendships that are toxic, both consciously and unconsciously so, are real. Being wary of them would serve us well.

Views expressed are the author's own.