Five Things No One Will Tell You About Your First Relationship

Firsts are always special, may it be your first relationship or even a crush. But with these firsts comes the barrier of inexperience. When we are young, our parents and teachers teach us how to ride a bike, how to eat food, how to swim, how to cook and how to manage money, but no one tells us how to make a relationship work? What are the basic dos and don'ts, apart from the obvious ones like don't cheat on your partner, that one should keep in mind? How do you know that your partner is "the one" for you? What to do if you feel that things are not working out.

Every woman wishes that she could go back in time and tell her younger self how to handle that first relationship better. It is not about not making mistakes, but about doing things differently and getting a better outcome. About causing less hurt and limiting your own pain, or gaining more love and tenderness from a relationship and exiting it with one's self-worth intact.

So here are five things no one will tell you about your first relationship:

It's Okay To Ask For Space Or Time

When you enter into your first relationship you are head over heels for the other person and you don't want to mess anything up at all. You are ready to go all-in and adhere to everything they say. Anything you say or do is governed by the anticipation over whether they'll like it or not. Even asking for personal space looks like you are doing something wrong which could set an unhealthy precedent. Even if you are in a relationship you both are individuals with an autonomy and agency and you're entitled to your personal space and time. There's nothing wrong in asking for some time apart if you're not feeling fine or okay.

You Don't Have To Put Yourself Second

This is something I learned the hard way after my first relationship. You must have heard things like ‘sometimes you’ve to put the other person before you’ ‘sometimes you’ve to think of their happiness before your own, well that shouldn’t be the case. You should not put your partner before yourself. You should value yourself and look out for your needs first. This doesn’t mean that you become self-centred, but being extremely selfless isn't good either. Love is not always about adjusting, it’s mostly about adapting and accepting your partner as they are. You can love a person and still put yourself first. It’s no crime.

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You Deserve Respect—From Yourself And Your Partner

Respect is the imperative force that keeps a relationship growing and glowing. You need to respect yourself and your partner and expect the same respect from them. I’ve seen people thrive in abusive ">relationships because no one told them it’s not love they need to get out. The term ‘out of love’ misplays its role here. Women often tend to accept abuse, both mental and physical, in a relationship in the name of love. Lack of respect in a relationship can be the spade with which you dig its grave. So for the sake of your own well-being and for that of your relationship, ensure that mutual respect never makes an exit between the two of you.

You Don't Belong To Them

Being in a relationship does not mean you have no authority over your life. Often it is seen that dominant partners tend to interfere in life and social circles of their loved one. Don't hang out with that man. Why do you want to have a night out with your girlfriends? I don't think you look nice in short skirts. You should not wear red lipstick, it looks bad. Are you sure you want to eat those fries? Your partner's inputs in your life decisions are valuable, but don't give them the authority to take every decision for you or shape all your opinions. It is a partnership, after all, not ownership.

You Cannot Force Someone To Change

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn (mainly for women as they seem to want to change men). A person may act as though he or she is changing to make you happy, but it'll be transient and won't be for a long time if the person doesn’t truly want to change. That Bob The Builder trait that 'I can change him' ends up getting in your face. Change is endogenous and should come from within. It is important to realise that you cannot force someone to change. Besides, why change the person that you fell in love with? What good can come from that?

Views expressed are the author's own.