Why Women Need To Stop Blaming Themselves For Breakups

I have undergone four breakups in my life. The last one happened yesterday night and it was the most painful one. Through every breakup, what remained constant was my tendency to blame myself. I held myself accountable for every breakup, even those in which I was cheated upon. I know I am not alone. Numerous women around me do the same thing- whenever a relationship fails they shoulder the blame singlehandedly and while the other party moves on, women end up overanalysing the failures of their past relationships.

“Shayad mujhme hi kuch kami hai,” I murmured last night, “Maybe I should stop seeking a companion in life,” as I closed all the windows of my mind that was brimming with reasoning. Luckily, as I sit down to write this article, reasoning has taken over my tendency to internalise blame.

Being in a relationship is itself a big deal for women. This is because our society usually slut-shames women for seeking love and sex before marriage- these things are meant to be preserved for a husband. Even when in a relationship, women have to think through all the challenges that might arise in future, in case it manages to survive. Will my parents be open to an inter-caste or inter-faith marriage? Will they approve of a boy whose family is not as well off as ours is? How long should I keep my relationship a secret, to avoid being labelled as shameless or wayward by my relatives?

Self-blame can undo your resolve for self-care.

So when a woman enters into a relationship before &t=1120s">marriage, she commits to walking on a tight rope for a certain time in her life. There are many possibilities that she might trip and fall into the pit of slut-shaming and honour killing. Still, some women wear their hearts on their sleeves and courage in their throats and walk on this tight rope. But what if the rope itself breaks? Will a woman ever be able to lift herself again?

Suggested Reading: Shadi Nahi Hui? Flat Nhi De Sakte: Why Does Society Judge Single Women Tenants?

Failed relationships call for introspection, not self-blame

Women in our society have the tendency to internalise the blame for any failure or setback in their life and the same holds true for marriages and relationships. We are brought up to believe that it is a woman's duty to nurture and sustain relationships. It is she who must make all the necessary sacrifices to keep a relationship from falling apart- even if it means staying unhappy. Or being stuck in a relationship where your priorities, your desires and your dreams do not matter at all.

But dear women, it is not fair to beat yourself up for being who you are or wanting what you desire. It is not your fault that you loved someone with your heart and soul. It is not your fault that you desired to have a relationship that was supportive, compassionate and eternal. And it is totally not your fault if a relationship didn't work out or turned out to be toxic. Breakup is not your fault. It is the fault of the situation, of the lacking chemistry, of mismatched expectations and of circumstances that might prevent you and your partner from being on the same page. And in case your partner cheated on you, then the blame for the breakup definitely lies with them, no matter what they might tell you.

In fact, women should feel proud of themselves for stepping up and owning their desires. Women need to appreciate themselves for not shying away or being restricted by any limits when it came to seeking what they desired. No relationship should come at the cost of self-respect or self-love.

The views expressed are the author's own.