Why Do Desi Mothers-In-Law Feel So Territorial Over Their Home?

You cannot enter the kitchen without bathing. In our house women do not run after a career, our first and only responsibility is to manage the house. During our time we did not mollycoddle our kids, how will they toughen up. In our house, parwal is cut and cooked like this, no one will eat it if you cook it any other way. My son does not like pasta or noodles, he likes ghar ka khana the way I cook it. These are just some of the ways a mother-in-law will try to control her territory, which is her home.

When a daughter-in-law enters a household, her mother-in-law might be as nervous as she is. If both of them are mature to handle this delicate relationship properly, then all is well, otherwise, life can be from one strained moment to another. Of course, being the mother of her son, being the elder of the two the onus of building a solid and loving relationship with her bahu is her prerogative. But god forbid if a saas is insecure about her position in her son’s life and the household, she can make her daughter-in-law's everyday life a nightmare.

Most MILs are unfortunately insecure and because in India living with our parents or asking our parents to live with us is common these relationships matter. We can definitely lose sleep over a strained relationship. And sadly among the words used by DILs to describe their relationships with their MILs are “uncomfortable,” “strained,” “infuriating,” “depressing,” and “simply awful.”

There is definitely no way out, she is your husband’s mom, and you need to give respect to her, but the best way to deal with such a situation is to put up a united front along with your spouse. You will have to take your husband into confidence about how you are treated by her and how you feel about her.

Is mother-in-law possessive about her territory? Here are some signs

Will try and prove that you’re no good for her son

A parent’s belief that no one is good enough for their son or daughter is the biggest hurdle to acceptance. In an arranged marriage there is at least some sort of satisfaction for a saas, that she was involved in choosing a bride for her son. But in love marriage, accepting a person chosen by her son becomes difficult. It’s because you’re in that house solely because of her son whether she likes it or not. You might come from a different caste, state or religion and so may have different ways of doing things. Your mother-in-law will look for all sorts of shortcomings in you and will try to use your background or upbringing to belittle you.

Suggested Reading: Dear Mother-In-Law: I Wish You Hadn't Said These 7 Things To Me

Cooking is her secret weapon

When she comes visiting your mother-in-law brings dabbas of food and says something about your husband enjoying her cooking more, then know that you might be dealing with a controlling mom. What’s more, she may even complain about your cooking to your spouse. Mothers often tend to use cooking as a tool to express their love and in this case, to express that they are superior in this department.

This behaviour isn't just restricted to cooking though, she might want to decide what is cooked for every mean and how, what is to be served to guests, what needs to be prepared during festivals etc. Slowly but surely try taking decision-making into your hands. Accept some of her choices but try and add some of yours too.

Uses judgemental questions to control

Mothers-in-law who use this tactic tend to throw a veil of concern or interest over their judgments. Questions like “this dress doesn’t suit her (your daughter) she looks better in salwar suits”, “why don’t you put this artefact here, will look better”, and “why don’t you try adding methi to this dish will taste better”, “you know we always made homemade mango pickle, it’s always healthier and tastier than the one brought from the market” (this when she knows that you are a working woman and don’t have time to prepare pickle at home. She might further add, “oh yes you don’t have time, let me know next time, I’ll prepare the pickle just like my son likes”.

You simply need to respond to such judgements nicely and politely, but you need to be firm in your decision. Or you can try questions like this, “You're feeding them noodles again?” with a simple, “Yes! He seems to love it.”

A saas is always right, or so she thinks

You as a daughter-in-law are new to a household so if your MIL exercises “mother knows best” all the time, then she's probably exercising control and guarding her territory. The problem can find its origins in society's stereotyping of moms as "experts" at home who ace caregiving duties. Thus, women end up internalising this stereotyping and believe that they know better than others, especially about the welfare and needs of their families.

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The only way to mitigate this type of behaviour is to put boundaries in place and for this, you will need to have a serious conversation with your spouse and have him on board before both of you can handle the situation.

Overreacting is her weapon too!

If your mother-in-law attempts to influence other people by over-the-top expressions of her emotions, then she might be using emotional manipulation to control her family. Remember she may cry and act hurt while the people around her scramble to try and make her feel better by doing whatever she wants them to do.

Suggested Reading: Parents Should Listen To Their Daughters When They Say "No" To Marriage

One of the best ways to draw attention to herself, says my cousin, her MIL declares she is not feeling well and has heart palpitations. Everyone and not just her son, will leave everything and attend to her, call the doctor, and only when a doctor will say all’s well will the madness end. She knows that she holds that power over her family.

As long as your spouse can see through the ruse, perhaps this issue won't create many problems, But if your husband seems to have fallen for the trick, then you need to sit him down and ask questions. Do not degrade his mother or his feelings for her as that could backfire.

The word “no” is not in her vocabulary

A real sign your mother-in-law enjoys a power struggle is when she can't handle hearing the word “no”. For example, if you are unable to attend a family function due to various reasons, you might face a saas who wants to know why. She may even continue to pressurise you and your husband with the intention of changing your mind. Please remember any time someone is trying to get you to serve their agenda, they're trying to control you which might include your closest loved ones and friends.

This time again you and your husband need to put up a united front, your answer should be “we have decided not to attend.” This makes it clear that you and your husband are a team, a decision was made and it is to be respected by all. She not knowing your boundaries and you not knowing yours will strain your relationship.

With your MIL you cannot be disrespectful but you also need to draw your boundaries, that’s the bottom line.

The views expressed are the author's own.