Why Do We Desexualise Women When They Become Mothers?

I came across a Hindi TV series recently in which two married men had sexual fantasies about each other’s wives. They used to hit on each other’s wives and try to impress them. However, the sexual fantasy disappeared as soon as the wives thought about being mothers.

The men freaked out at the idea of seeing the women pregnant, ‘fat’ and busy with a child in hand. And so they constantly tried to discourage the women from motherhood. I am not justifying the unsolicited sexual fantasies of the men but how does the idea of rendering pregnant women or mothers unattractive make sense? Why does society desexualise women when they become mothers?

In our society, mothers are pedestalled as goddesses who are pure and great for being the birth-giver of the next generation. They are praised for their power to nurture a generation by bearing pain and sacrifices. Motherhood is considered synonymous to sacrifice because society expects mothers to be selfless and sacrificial while raising their kids. They are expected to leave all the pleasures of life and devote themselves to the upbringing of the child who is supposed to be the leader of the future.

Consequently, many women quit the indulgence that gives them pleasure. Some give up the jobs that keep them independent and happy. Some quit on the passion of dressing up and going out to have fun. While most of them give up on the idea of having sexual fantasies and pleasures. Mothers having individual desires and pleasures are considered vulgar and a deterrent in society.

The problem is that a woman’s body is looked at by the male gaze. If the male gaze finds a woman attractive, then she is. Otherwise, she is desexualised. When a woman is single or newly married, she is objectified as the sexual interest of men. But when she becomes a mother, her body is objectified as a womb that nurtures a generation. Basically, a woman’s body is never looked at as the property of the woman herself. A woman is never allowed to own her body. Due to the lack of this bodily autonomy, a woman is not able to appreciate herself after motherhood.

But is this right? Should women stop seeking pleasures in life just because they are mothers? Should women forget their individualities just because they are rearing a life? In fact, why doesn’t society desexualise men when they become fathers? Why do men retain the right to seek pleasure and have desires even after being fathers? Doesn’t this point toward a skewed understanding of life after ">parenthood? Doesn’t it show that men gain the benefit of their dominance and privilege?

In our society, it is assumed that a woman’s life ends at motherhood when they take birth again as a mother of kids. Their responsibility is restricted to taking care of the child. If she indulges in anything beyond the limits of being a mother, she is shamed for being an irresponsible mother. While for men life remains the same. Even after being fathers, men have the freedom to go out, have fun and live a pleasurable life.

Raising a child doesn’t make a woman invalid. It doesn’t mean she should dissolve her identity into that of her child. Being a mother just adds to the identity of a woman rather than reducing the value of her individuality. Just because women undergo bodily changes, it doesn’t mean she becomes unattractive. Just because her priorities change, it doesn’t mean she no longer has the right to value herself. We need to change our understanding of attractiveness and freedom in women and make it more inclusive.

The views expressed are the author's own.