Why Don't Men Understand What It Takes For A Woman To Marry?

There is a popular dialogue in the movie Om Shanti Om,  “Ek chutki sindoor ki kimat tum kya jaano Ramesh Babu”, it fits well when we talk about men’s understanding of marriage. Men in our society rarely understand marriage as a relationship between two people that demands equal contribution from each. They usually see it as a bond in which they are the centre of focus. Women, on the other side, have to sacrifice a lot to make a marriage work which is obvious as men think they are entitled to be served by their life partner. But dear men, why don’t you try to see marriage from a woman’s perspective? Why don’t you add women to your picture of marriage as equal partners and not as submissive caregivers?

In our society, men are usually married because they can’t take care of themselves on their own. If they are jobless, alcoholic, disrespectful or anything bad, the solution is considered to be their marriage. It is said that once a man is married, he will automatically fall in line. The meaning of this belief is that after marriage, women take care of men and convert them into a "family guy". Women are always considered as caretakers of men they marry no matter how irresponsible and toxic they are. And so men assume that marriage is a way for their parents to improve their lifestyle and make them more responsible. They never see their wives as someone who needs equal care and love.

Cost of marriage for women

When a woman gets &t=3s">married, a small pinch of sindoor demands a lot of sacrifice and obligation from her. They are expected to change their identity and reconstruct themselves. They have to leave their identity as daughters and impersonate the identity of bahu and wives. Women have to leave their houses where they spent their childhood and accept another home as their own. They have to change surnames, cities, jobs and priorities. Many women even give up their jobs to take care of the home. They forget themselves in the dust and drainage of the house and deprioritise their health in giving care to others. They also lose ownership of their own bodies as marital families decide whether a woman is sanskari (based on their virginity), whether she should get an orgasm and whether she is ready to carry a child. A woman literally has no say in anything after marriage because since childhood they are raised to be the obedient bahus and not confident women.

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Men on the other side rarely lose anything after getting married. In fact, they gain a lot. They don’t have to leave their parents or their surnames. They don’t have to change their jobs and cities where they have settled. They don’t have to give up jobs, well-being and me-time to sustain a marriage. In fact, men get women who devote themselves to ensuring their welfare by indulging in physical, emotional and religious labour; who look after men's parents in their absence and take on the responsibility of the entire house while men exert themselves in office. They also gain partners who make them responsible, capable of doing something in life and keep them satisfied in every way.

If men gain so much through marriage, it is impossible for them to understand what a woman loses to fulfil their lives. This is the reason why men who are emotionally unavailable, physically abusive and puffed with social superiority are not considered toxic. Such men are either seen as normal or the ones who need to be corrected by women. No one thinks about the toxicity that women have to go through by marrying such men. And by not knowing what cost a woman pays for marriage, men will never learn to value and recognise women’s sacrifices. They will never try to treat them equally, love them and set them free of the duty of endless sacrifices. Men will never thank women for their contribution to their selfish gains.

But how long will men selfishly ignore women’s importance in marriage? How long will women keep losing their individuality in constructing their husbands’ individuality? If men cannot value the cost of ek chutki sindoor, then maybe it is better they never marry. Women need not wait for a man to fill their life with sindoor and significance. Rather they should fill their life themselves with ambitions and success.

Views expressed are the author's own. 

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