Women Don't Fall For The Wrong Men; Men Behave In The Wrong Way

Toxic relationships are like termites that slowly swallows one’s whole life. Until a swift action of breaking the knots is not undertaken. Life is unpredictable. You never know who comes your way. But one thing is sure, the person either gives you happiness or teaches you a lesson for life. But then, is it right to put the blame on the woman for choosing the wrong man in a relationship? Is it right to say that women always fall for the wrong man? Have we ever imagined what could be consequences if we hold women hold themselves responsible if a relationship doesn’t survive?

It is still not very common in our society for women to have the freedom to choose the person she wants to marry or even date someone before marriage. The dominant ideology is that women should marry the man that her parents, aunts and society approve. Even today, it is considered fine for a woman to marry a man without even seeing him before the marriage night. But, blasphemous, if she marries a man of her own choice. Amidst this, if a woman exercises her freedom to choose and date a man before marriage, it is very unfortunate to label her choices as “always wrong”. Whenever a relationship becomes toxic, the man starts mistreating the woman, a vicious cycle of victim-blaming begins.

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The woman is blamed for choosing the wrong man to have a relationship with. Judgements on her character are also passed by saying “she has daddy issues”, “she always falls for trash men”, “she is insecure”, “she is a type of woman that attracts such men”, “she is an idiot, naive and innocent”, “how did she let it happen!” and whatnot. Worst is that if at all the woman finally decides to end the relationships, she is again on the receiving ends of blame and shame. She is criticised as being so coward and lazy that she cannot handle ‘small problems’ in a relationship. That she is playing a victim card to shame her partner. After all,  if not women, then who will adjust in the relationship?

But rarely a single finger is raised on the man who mistreated her. Rarely anyone blames and shames the man for breaking his commitment and disrespecting a woman. Rarely the attention is drawn on questioning why men get away so easily after abusing and disrespecting a woman. Women are abused because they choose the wrong men to spend their life with and not because men have patriarchal conditioning of dominating their female partner? This is exactly how women are gaslighted by making them question their character and decisiveness while dismissing the fact that there could be something seriously wrong with the men. If we normalise not blaming men for the wrong they commit, how will we be able to eradicate the toxic male dominance in the society? Doesn't the same ideology follow when a woman is blamed for being raped and not the perpetrator?

Moreover, it indicates the patriarchal mindset that women are innocent and naive and cannot think what is right for them. And this argument has always been used to impose the patriarchal restriction in the name of protection and influence of maturity in life. In the case of Sushant Singh Rajput, a similar narrative was peddled when Rhea Chakraborty was being blamed for not taking care of Rajput or dissuading him from consuming drugs. Even our politicians blame women for getting raped and do not consider it right for her to have the freedom and financial independence in life.

If a woman internalises these biases and starts blaming herself for not making the right decision, she will lose confidence in her independence. In the longer run, she will not be able to trust her own self to make the choices and live life accordingly. Ultimately, she will go back to depending on her parents for major decisions of her. And maybe her parents might be able to take the right decision. This lack of faith in their own decision is why some women prefer arranged marriages over love marriages. But will the woman feel free and independent in the real sense? If she allows the stereotypes to take the lead in her life, will she ever get rid of them?

It is high time now for society to end this victim-blaming culture in toxic relationships. Please stop asking women to be more careful about the men they meet. Women do not fall for the wrong men but men do not know how to behave. Start changing the behaviour and conditioning of the men. Teach them to treat women with respect and equality no matter what. Relationships can be both beautiful and messy. It should be based on the pillars of mutual understanding and respect. If couples end a relationship, it should be done without jeopardising the basic respect and dignity of both the partners. The partner who does not conform to these basic tenets is the one who should be blamed for a toxic relationship.

Views expressed are author's own

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