Dependent And Invisible: Why Does Society Dictate The Way Of Living For Widows?

Widowhood is a curse for women, even in the 21st century. Despite coming a long way, timely updating, and abolishing social evils thumped on women by society, widows still have to follow dehumanizing practices and live with them every day. These social evils may not be visible but have subtle tones that impact their lifestyle, eventually making them feel like outcasts.

Widowhood becomes a woman’s identity. Once again give society thinks of a woman as less capable of making her own life decisions. They all start taking decisions even before the deceased is set on a pyre.

Being Widow in 21st Century

One can find all relatives gossiping in the corners and sympathising with the woman, also dropping a big question- ‘Ab aagey kya karegi, teen bache hai’. People are less concerned about a woman’s loss and grief she is going through. Can one be so insensitive to understand the emotional quotient of a grieving person? She is already disturbed by the loss. Losing a life partner, and decades of companionship is not only daunting but also traumatic. But people expect her to move fast without giving her time to deal with the situation. Society makes mourning also hard. Constantly asking questions, reaching out with ‘not needed’ condolences because they are mean rather than empathetic. The mourning rituals are also rubbing the loss in the face of the woman. People expect her to wear white or the colours as per their faith. The weeping and how disheartened she is must reflect her actions. ‘She cried less’, ‘she drank tea’, or ‘she got her wardrobe tidy’ is a topic of discussion. Also, a way of telling- ‘Did she even care’. Even her mourning has to be in a way society weeps. Is it really possible to do that?

Society makes sure woman accepts widowhood and do everything that reflects it. From her clothes to how fast she gets along with life is marked by society's lens. These things become parameters for judging whether she is mourning over her spouse or not. If she does any of these things so-called extra, for instance- wearing bright shimmery clothes, giggling with her friends, or going out with her friends, she will be targeted as how shameless she is. People are like- "pati abhi mara hai aur nikali sair sapate pe". Isn’t she allowed to live life after her husband’s death? What good do these elements of widowhood bring to a woman? Why is it forced upon them?

Most people call it respect, who is this respect for? A man died, and the woman is suffering in loneliness, where is good and where is respect? People want women to live painful life no matter what. She is expected to keep running the motors of patriarchy until her deathbed. Dying seems more suitable than living a slow death every day. Despite sati being eradicated during British times, people's expectation of widows living in a certain way has the same intensity.

Society expects certain behaviour, no one cares to support her state of mind. Instead, an instant solution is pitched in to end her misery. The solutions where children or finances are focused and not the wellbeing of the women. Women are never told they still have life to live, it is more of – ‘bache ka socho, unke pass dekhkar jiyo’. Utmost well-being is seen in a second marriage, all three problems are solved- children, finances, and herself. One needs to question do women want this at that right moment. Who is anyone to decide on second marriage? The woman is yet to mend her loss, and stop deciding about her picture-perfect future. Can’t a woman think for herself? Why there is pressure on second marriage? Why does society want men to be saviours and a marriage safety net? Hindu custom has 13 days of the mourning period, those 13 days become a discussion ground for the life of a woman. On most occasions, people decide the future course of action, perhaps even pressurise parents to start looking for a man, who may be divorced or widowed and with the condition to accept kids from the first marriage.

God sake! Let that woman breathe. Let her decide whether she wants to remarry or pursue a career or look after mental health. Why does widowhood become her identity? Why her qualifications, achievements, and capabilities are underrated? Why women are not considered breadwinners of the house?

Can we give her a chance to find herself? Can we let her find a match, live her life, and fall in love again? What if her first marriage was a wreck? What if she never wants to marry, and finds singlehood more fulfilling? There are many women out there who find not being a marriage a boon.

India has over 40 million widows and the number increased since COVID-19. Women from all socio-economic backgrounds had to suffer - be they rural or urban. Rural had to face more challenges, but urban women too have their apprehensions, there are invisible things that make widowhood sufferable. It’s time to stop making their life miserable with cheap judgments of society. Let marital status not be the parameter to weigh her status in society. Women are already treated as second-class citizens, let’s not treat widows with zero dignity and pushed even below. There is a life and let marriage, widowhood, second marriage, no marriage, or singlehood just be accepted, and let a woman flourish in whatever way she wants to.

Views expressed by author are their own

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