Dear Parents, Please Don't Let Your Kids Suffer The Consequences Of Your Fights

I was very young when I first witnessed my parents fighting with each other. It was like any usual night. My mother had tucked me and my siblings into bed. Unfortunately, I am a night owl and just pretended to close my eyes. Little did I know this playful pretence is going to give me lifetime traumas.

My father hadn't arrived although it was past midnight and my mother was concerned. Back then, we did not have mobile phones to make a call and know the whereabouts of people; we could only look out the window and wait for the headlights to flash. When my father did arrive, he was drunk. My mother who'd fallen asleep waiting for him asked him where he was. I hardly remember whether he replied but I know that he slapped her. I couldn't believe what I saw. And this was not the first time either.

Since then, I witnessed many verbal and physical fights between them; the days following the scary nights were even worse. Why? Because my mother was trying to leave the world where she gained no respect while my father wanted to forget that the world ever existed.

As I am approaching my 26th birthday and completing two years of being diagnosed with depression, OCD and PTSD, things are still difficult for me. Since I was a kid, I bottled all the traumas of life, including the ones that I received because of my parents’ fights. But one day, it all came out.

My parents were shocked at how their fights and bad marriage led to the worse consequences in their daughter’s life. Must they feel guilty for affecting my life? Or must they feel deprived of the conditioning and support that was essential to manage or end a bad marriage?

Bad Marriages And Its Repercussions For Children

I am sure I am not the only offspring who is reeling under the traumas of my parents’ bad marriage. Just a few days ago, I came across a report in which a mother slashed the throat of her child and herself using an electric cutter after being frustrated over an argument with her husband.

In another incident, a video went viral in which a woman was beating up her husband with a bat while the child, scared, was trying to save himself and understand the situation. But on whom does the blame lie? On the kids who were born to parents with unhappy marriages? On the parents who ignored the mental health issues of their kids while being indulged in themselves? Or on the families of the parents who forced them into a bad marriage?

Surviving a bad marriage should not fall on anyone’s plate. It is no one’s responsibility or duty to sustain a relationship that doesn’t have love or is toxic. And that is why it is very important to identify the problem in the marriage at the earliest, solve it if possible or just walk away.

But in our society, once married a couple is forced to sustain the relationship throughout their life. If the marriage isn’t working in the initial stage, society asks the couple to have a child who will be the bandage of the cracks in the marriage.

With the lack of support from the family, couples are ultimately trapped in the double responsibility of sustaining a bad marriage and parenting kids. If they prioritise solving the issues in the marriage, they are shamed for ignoring the child. And if they focus on the parenting of the child, they are deprived of the right to have a happy and lovable personal life.

Is this fair? Why are couples forced to sustain bad marriages? Why don’t families support them when they want to walk out in the initial stage?  Why are they forced to wait for kids to fix their marriage? Even if kids do arrive, why are parents expected to ignore their own issues while parenting? After having kids, does a couple’s identity convert into parents? Must they be trapped in toxic marriage just because of the kids?

When the pressure of bad marriage is not channelised properly, it has obvious impacts on the lives of the ">kids. Kids face the repercussions of forcing a couple to not only live with each other but also raise a child together. Kids are often called ‘pyaar ki nishaani’ or the bond that keeps a couple together.

While romanticising the idea of kids and parenting, society forgets that kids are humans too. They are not a mark or a thread that can be drawn, erased or broken into two pieces according to convenience. They have to face and survive the bad marriages of their parents throughout their lives with as much pain and trauma. Society does a huge mistake by assuming that kids don’t remember, understand or react to violent or toxic behaviours.

Why doesn’t society think about the consequences that the child will have to face because of the broken marriage of their parents? Why doesn’t it understand that a child has a life of its own that deserves its own share of happiness and not traumas? That a child takes birth to be a person, not a marriage fixer?

So dear society, stop forcing couples to survive in a bad marriage. There are no reasons good enough to keep that going on. Moreover, please do not bottle up the pressure of bad marriages too much that it breaks open by spoiling the lives of the kids. Neither is surviving in a bad marriage a good option nor raising a child in a broken family. Please dear parents fix your marital problems before it gives your kids traumatic childhood.

The views expressed are the author's own

Suggested Reading: Why Do Indian Families Have Different Standards For Their Beti And Bahu?