Dear Parents, Can You Look Beyond "Ladka Achcha Hai" While Arranging Marriages?

When it comes to arranged marriages Indian parents need to change their "good groom criteria: If most Indian parents had their way, their daughters would bypass the road of dating and courtship and walk straight down the aisle to marry a groom of their choice without  so much as asking what the man has done to deserve their companionship for a lifetime. But just what makes a groom "achcha" for Indian parents? And does their definition of a good prospect take anything that their daughter may want from her future partner into account?

A lot of Indian women today are how the process of getting married. Those who come from liberal homes find partners for themselves. Those who agree to walk into arranged alliances, hold back the right to have the final word. However, there are those who have little agency in one of the most important decisions of their lives, and have to marry whoever their parents pick for them.

Arranged Marriages Indian Parents

In the last two scenarios- that is in cases where women end up as brides-to-be in the arranged marriage market, the onus of shortlisting grooms and pre-approving them lies with parents. Which means that the groom must fit in their criteria first for anything to formulate from the prospect.

My problem isn't with arranged marriages here, but with the way parents look at prospective grooms, and the huge shift in wavelength that exists between their checklist of a good prospect and that of their daughters. "Ladka achcha hai," you won't hear it for a boy who may have given up a seat at a premier IIT institute in India to follow his dreams.

You won't hear that for a guy who is willing to be a homemaker, or wants to put his wife's career over his own, or whose biodata says that he believes in equality and will ensure to equally divide the burden of household and parenting duties in future.

A prospective groom is labelled "good" by parents usually when he ticks these three parameters: he has a package worth boasting among social circles, he comes from a social-economical background that extended family members would approve of, he displays a mindset that assures Indian parents that their daughter would be well taken care of.

Now one may argue that parents should encourage their daughters to be self sufficient, rather than finding them a guy who will take care of them. But if you keep in mind the conditioning of our parents' generation, plus the fact that care is a virtue any parent would want in a partner for their child, irrespective of gender, you can discount them for thinking on these lines.

But when you look at their other two parameters, it is clear that for Indian parents, even groom hunting is more about appeasing society and their family than ensuring that their daughter finds happiness. It is no surprise then, that parents pay little attention to their daughter's criteria for a life partner. Women are expected to work around whatever their parents could best arrange for them and if things don't go well, they must blame their fate and carry on nonetheless.

Indian parents need to understand that it is extremely important for women to find life partners that suit their own terms, as the repercussions of this decision stay with them for a lifetime, and affect every aspect of their lives, career and personal alike. It is not enough for a groom to be "achcha" for the family or check every standard set by Indian society. Every person is different, their requirements from life and thus their life partners are different, so one size can't fit all. Don't expect every women to have same expectations from her future husbands. In fact, the same holds true for men.

So what is the best way forward for Indian parents when it comes to groom hunting?  Well, instead of telling a daughter to trust their judgement, perhaps parents should ask her, "Ladka achcha hai? Does he meet all your requirements and expectations?"

Image Credit: Netflix / The views expressed are the author's own. Have an opinion and want to share? Write to stories@shethepeople.tv

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