STP Fixations: Am I An Introvert Rachel Waiting To Find My FRIENDS?

STP Fixations is a series dedicated to anything and everything that captures our attention - a scene, anecdote, dialogue, character or a trivial, random bizarreness. A fixation over a memory that sometimes makes sense (or sometimes doesn’t) but is stuck in our hearts and minds long after the moment is over.

I have never been social. During school days, I preferred studies over chit-chatting with friends. After all, this is what nerds do right? Then, in my college days, socialising hit a new low as I secluded myself completely. Sitting at the corner bench, alone, going to the canteen and having my lunch, alone, going to theatres to watch movies, alone. Today, when I am actually alone with no friends nearby, I often sigh and say "I am an introvert. This is what I like isn't it?" The self-reflection automatically ends at watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S- the show that is all about socialising and friendship. Ironical? 

Seeing all the characters sitting together on the couch of the coffee house seems like a dream that I never had. The couch which the friends have reserved for themselves (the scene where Chandler sends a person trying to sit on the couch away) becomes the space where they connect, share and laugh all the problems away. Then they gather at Monica's apartment where eating, celebrating and comforting coincide making the friends a family of each other. 

Why It Hurts To Be Obsessed With FRIENDS As An Introvert

The fact that every character has a messed up life and meets their friends more than their family members makes me feel disadvantaged. My life is messy too. But I don't have a group that listens to everything I am dealing with and gets together to bring me out of that mess. 

Remember when Rachel's birthday became a nightmare because her divorced parents were invited to her birthday bash? The day which was supposed to be her best day turns into Rachel feeling sad and exhausted of catering to the needs of her father and mother. But who comes to her rescue? Her friends.

They organise two different parties, get together to help Rachel keep her mother and father away and hug her when she feels overwhelmed by the sore relationship of her parents. However, in my life, I have to deal with my almost broken family alone. There is no one around to hug me, see me crying and help me deal with it all. 

Another scene of the show that touches my heart is when the friends end up celebrating Thanksgiving with bread. "Here is to a lousy Christmas and crappy New Year" By saying this the friends sit together and have their bread and laugh. I cannot stop myself from thinking that even during bad days, sitting with friends and enjoying tea or anything makes us forget the problems we have. Friendship doesn't mean going to high-prized places but just hanging around the streets and talking our frustration out. 

Finding family in friends

Friends don't judge you for your choices, they support you even if you are wrong or fail and care for you unconditionally. Remember the scene when the friends play Twister and Rachel receives a call from her parents? While answering her parent's query if she is fine, she looks at her friends playing Twister and says that she is fine.  

I become anxious when I am surrounded by people. I am not able to befriend anyone new or recall my old friendships. I always sit in the corner away from the eyes of people. Even if I befriend people, I rarely meet them. So clearly I am an introvert. But what is up with obsession and admiration of the friendship of F.R.I.E.N.D.S? 

Am I lying to myself?

Am I lying to myself? Or am I just another Rachel waiting for the moment when I storm into a coffee house and get a family of friends? I don't have any answers to these questions. But when Joey says, "She's my friend and she needed help. If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!", or when the title track says, "No one could ever know me; No one could ever see me; Seems you're the only one who knows; What it's like to be me." I can't stop feeling that maybe I do need friends whom I can hug as Rachel, Monica and Phoebe do. Then, what is stopping me? 

Views expressed are the author's own.