Unpacking Who Really Is A "Likeable" Woman?

To be a woman is to be compassionate and kind, or that is what we have been told by the media and pop culture. To be strong and put your needs before someone else's makes you a man, unless you are a woman then you become the next Disney evil godmother. Certain behaviours have been famously used and glamorised for men to such an extent that they have been normalised, like, being aggressive, intimidating, serious or asseertive. While for women, reactions and actions based on compassion and emotion have been standardised. It is not only through media but also through societal norms and patriarchy that the idea of being a "likeable" or a "desirable" woman has emerged. But what does it really mean to be likeable?

"Keep being Fabulous in their Face!"

In a panel for 'Sisterhood with Shaili', Shaili Chopra deconstructed the myth what it is to be a "likeable" woman. Mallika Dua said, "In a professional set up you just have to express yourself and you are "difficult". Now, I've learnt to accept it and learnt to understand that you will be called difficult if you put your point across. There is just no escaping it. You just have to keep being fabulous in their face."

In every work environment on an average every woman has been labelled either too 'intimidating' or too 'loud' just for having an opinion or being professional. Actress  Vidya Balan reaffirmed by saying, "I can never make everyone happy. The only person I can have on my side all the times is me and that can only happen if I accept myself the way I am." These are the affirmations we need each day yet what perplexes us is why has there been a need to make rampant categorisation of emotions and behaviors into male and female gender? 

"Essence of Humanity is that we are all Different."

Queer artist  Priyanka Paul said, "When you look at queer people you automatically think they're not normal and then question arrives who defines what normal is? Likeability comes into how well do you fit into these criteria? How well do you perform in a system that values uniformity and just one way of being?"

It can be said that these gender roles are carefully curated according to male and female yet it becomes a liability for every gender adhering to it because they are 'expected' to be a certain way, speak a certain way and act a certain way. This altogether takes away our 'expression' and freedom to mould our personalities vibrantly instead of complying to specific gender roles and behaviours.

For centuries these categorisations have been a clever mechanism to uphold certain political, economic, social, cultural and civil determinants of societies. So to say, such distinctions were never natural but born out of our social paradigm. It is always easy to govern a place when you establish a set of duties for everyone with a clear dichotomy and set of rules to obey.

Women have always been seen as a 'mother figure' with deep sense of empathy and compassion and men with exalted masculinity and if ever either were to portray the opposite emotion they would be targeted by our society. 

Political Activist Angellica Aribam talked about politics and how women were judged, trolled, misunderstood far greater than men as politicians on a daily basis, she said, "Moment you talk about strong leadership it's masculine in nature- assertive, aggressive but the moment you see these qualities in women you'll say she's not feminine enough."  

Politics has been a harsh arena for people but it has been harsher for women politicians who face more misogynistic criticism because of the way they dress and the handbags and chappals they wear rather than the policies they are championing. This not only discourages women but countless young girls to take up politics as a career or even be remotely interested in it. Women should not be 'expected' to behave a certain way instead there should be an inclusive integration of women in their respective fields whether it be politics, corporate, entertainment or household chores. Women should be seen as humans, capable of expressing and exhibiting multitudes of emotions, behaviours and attitudes that do not conform to any specific gender. 

Women everywhere have to make multiple times the efforts than others to stand out or mark their presence because the veil of ignorance and likeability has been casted on us since time immemorial. It is not just individual effort but a collaboration that can help women and even men to break free of gender roles across industries despite of their caste, class, religious identity and gender. It is imperative to be the change that you want to see. 

Views expressed by the author are their own