The First Time: What’s The Big Deal with PIV Sex?

What’s the deal with PIV Sex? Some of the major feelings I can recall when it came to my ‘first time’ was: perplexed, confused, excited, anxious and too conscious.

But hold on,  why is anyone’s ‘first time’ automatically associated with PIV (Penis In Vagina) sex? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and others around us and put PIV sex on a pedestal?

You may think where I’m coming from and what I exactly mean. Well, here’s why most of our ‘first times’ are not the most fun: Most women cannot orgasm through penetration alone, they need clitoral stimulation too.

According to research, straight women in a heterosexual relationship reach orgasm only 65% of the times as compared to straight men who achieve orgasm 95% of the times.

But there’s no one telling these young girls this, girls who’re all excited and ready for their ‘first time’.

Taking this into account, shouldn't we expand our definition of what qualifies as the ‘first time’?

For instance, when was the ‘first time’ you experienced an orgasm or even pleasure? Now pleasure is something that goes beyond an orgasm and doesn’t necessarily have to have an end goal. You could feel pleasure in the smallest, yet most intimate moments with your partner, from making out to a massage! Yes, it can be an experience that many may label as insignificant, thanks to the overhype around PIV sex.

Pleasure is something that goes beyond an orgasm and doesn’t necessarily have to have an end goal.

And while we’re on the topic of orgasms, I read this quote by Leeza Mangaldas which really resonated with me, “As women, we often end up feeling like we aren’t entitled to pleasure—that our role is to please. We’re constantly taught to satisfy the needs of others even if it means sacrificing our own—that it is our ability to please others that makes us valuable.”

We’ve been fed this narrative by society, that as women we need to be ‘a virgin’, ‘a good girl’, ‘a good wife’ (because having sex before marriage makes people squeamish, and parents want to close their eyes to their kids being sexually active to begin with).

So how can a sanskaari ladki ‘ask for it’?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think our sexuality, our bodies and minds are toggle switches we can turn on and off easily, wherein one day we wake up and masturbate our ass off (okay, our clit off), or suddenly become these sexually liberated beings. But thinking about it is a start. Reflecting upon how we feel about our body is a start. Reading about the different ways to express our sexuality is a start. Exploring and experimenting with safe ways to please ourselves is a start.

Even talking to our friends about it is a start.

I’ve heard a lot of couples talking about ‘not using condoms’ because ‘it’s just more fun without it’ and their (female) partners being okay with that, or laughing it off. Honestly, that’s a man talking and many times women end up seconding them.

My point is not to shame men, but to highlight that we as women don’t talk enough about our sexualities or end up letting men take charge of our sexualities and decisions for us in bed. We don’t really put ourselves or our needs (and opinions) first. More often than not, we end up believing the narrative men feed us.

When it comes to relationships, I think setting the right expectations for self and for our partners is key. Safe, pleasurable and consensual sex needs to be talked about. We need to talk more about what we like and dislike and what could be better, in a non-intimidating or accusatory way.

As Emily Morse puts it in the simplest, yet most effective way “Conversation is the lube of all relationships”.

Safe, pleasurable and consensual sex needs to be talked about. We need to talk more about what we like and dislike and what could be better, in a non-intimidating or accusatory way.

And Sex Ed is no different. Real conversations are missing there too and so is the female perspective. If only it was more representative of reality and real sexual experiences, we would be in a better (and happier) place.

For instance, shifting the focus from sex being only about procreation to being about pleasure too. If the more human aspects of sex and intimacy were taught to us (beyond just the science of it), we wouldn’t assume that PIV is the only way for vulva owners to experience pleasure.

Sachee is an entrepreneur running a female focused sexual and menstrual wellness enterprise called That Sassy Thing. The views expressed are the author’s own and not that of SheThePeople.