Is BDSM Really "Anti-Feminist"?

Feminism and BDSM: Feminism has always been an incredibly complex topic since the idea took birth. Many of the people who speak for it and against it do not seem to fully grasp it. Feminism is fluid; it has changed forms over time and evolved along with the people it exists around. So it goes without saying that there are definitely discrepancies among what it means to different people.

Another such complex topic with many layers is BDSM. Just like feminism, this subject also has the tendency to divide people within its community. Ask me, who conducted an online workshop on scientific understanding of BDSM and it got severely trolled and was compared with the movie 50 Shades of Grey without people even bothering to check what was the content all about. We are at an unfathomable contradiction between our choice and what mainstream culture or emerging fad dictates. As the politics of feminism becomes more mainstream and the BDSM lifestyle gets more visibility, we are seeing quite a lot of friction between the two.

It is not at all rare for me to get e-mails from young women who identify as a feminist but craves to be submissive in bed. Some of them enjoyed being spanked and humiliated by their partner, but their perceived feminist ideals made them feel ashamed. It made them feel like they had "betrayed" feminism by giving away their control to a man. It is also not rare to see women degrade other women for being a submissive. They believe that women engaging in such activity are slamming the door in the face of feminism and turning their back on all the women who fought for the power that we now hold.

Is BDSM really Anti-Feminist? Does BDSM not have a space to exist within feminism?

Feminism, although it does not have clear rules written down, is about giving people the power to make their own choices. It's about women taking control over their own lives and having the resources and courage to do it. When we lay down rigid categories and rules for feminism, it alienates a huge group of people who do not fit within the prim and proper guidelines. This violates one of the salient features of the movement - inclusion. Feminism is about empowerment, not judgment. BDSM is also about choice. Whether you are dominant or submissive, the role is the one that you have chosen, fully knowing what you are getting into. Most BDSM relationships have a previously agreed list of what they can and cannot do, and the submissive always has the control to stop whenever they want.

When you, as a woman, choose a submissive role in BDSM relationship, you are only practicing the freedom and sexual liberty that feminism has fought for since its conception. When you make an informed decision to become a submissive, you are exercising your free will. This exchange of power is completely consensual and pleasurable for both parties involved. Bodily autonomy of women is one of the core values of feminism as well. We do not get to dictate what feminism can accommodate based on our likes and dislikes. When you gate-keep feminism and shame women for having different tastes in the bedroom, you are restricting their bodily autonomy. You are not taking her opinion and voice into account, and instead, you are imposing your arbitrary rules on her to suit your image of feminism. That is no different than what patriarchy has been doing to women all these years.

Submissive women have the right to feel pleasure on their own terms. They deserve to act out their desires without shame, just like any other woman. Grown women should be allowed to make their own decisions without being subjected to teasing, insults, and belittlement. We should also learn to respect the decisions made by women even if we do not like them. Submissive women need to understand that being submissive in the bedroom does not make you the harbinger of internalised misogyny either. You are only exploring your femininity in a way that you find comfortable and pleasurable. Being a submissive does not make you any less of a feminist. In fact, embracing your submissive side and understanding that you have the power to give and take back control as you please would only make you a better feminist.

Image Credit: Unsplash

Pallavi Barnwal is a certified sexuality coach and founder of a sex-positive platform Get Intimacy. She has been featured as a sexpert in publications such as Huffington Post, India Today, Vogue, The Hindu, Dainik Bhaskar, Indian Express, Times Of India, BBC, Deccan Chronicle, Femina and more. She specialises in helping people gain courage to talk openly about sex and relationships and equipping them with actionable tips and skills so they can start having more pleasure both inside and outside their bedroom. The views expressed are the author’s own.

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