Women, Stop Having Bad Sex: Educator Pallavi Barnwal Decodes The Orgasm Gap

In a world where discussions about sex are often shrouded in secrecy, stigma, and judgment, sex educator Pallavi Barnwal is on a mission to break these taboos. Her conversation with Shaili Chopra on The Rule Breaker Show sheds light on the complexities surrounding sexuality, intimacy, and the broader societal implications of discussing such topics openly in India. Through her insights, Barnwal challenges the long-standing norms that have kept sexuality hidden away, advocating for a more open, informed, and healthy approach to sexual well-being.

The Historical Shift: From Liberalism to Repression

Barnwal begins by tracing the historical journey of India's relationship with sexuality, highlighting a time when the country was one of the most liberal societies in the world. "India was the land of the Kama Sutra," she recalls, emphasizing that sexuality and pleasure were once openly celebrated. However, this liberal attitude was gradually eroded by the influence of colonial Victorian culture, which introduced repressive norms that persisted into the modern era.

"Many women have to plan their pregnancies, so they will engage in sex. You can be killed in India for talking about sex," Barnwal states, pointing to the social reactions that discussions about sex can still provoke in some parts of the country. 

This stark reality highlights the challenge she, and other women alike, face in their mission to normalize conversations around sexuality.

Sexual Health: More Than Just the Physical Act

One of the key points Barnwal raises is the narrow focus that society often places on sex as a mere physical act, rather than as an integral part of overall health and well-being. She expresses concern that the discourse around sexual health is often limited to the mechanics of sex, neglecting the crucial aspects of intimacy, emotional connection, and overall life satisfaction.

"If you don't love your life, you can't have a great love life," Barnwal asserts, drawing a direct link between a person's general well-being and their sexual health.

She further elaborates on the importance of nutrition and lifestyle in maintaining a healthy sex life. According to Barnwal, the foods we consume can serve as "erotic fuel," with natural, unprocessed foods playing a vital role in supporting sexual vitality. "Your food is your fuel, and I will say it is also your erotic fuel," she explains, advocating for a diet rich in raw fruits and vegetables to enhance not just physical health, but also sexual well-being.

The Social Stigma and Shame Surrounding Sex

Barnwal also tackles the pervasive judgment and shame that continue to surround sex in India. She observes that much of this stigma is perpetuated by peer pressure and societal norms, which discourage open discussions about sex and often leave individuals feeling isolated and ashamed. "There is a lot of judgment and shame attached to sex," she notes, pointing to the lack of comprehensive sex education in schools as a major factor contributing to the problem.

The conversation reveals how many people, particularly women, suffer in silence due to the societal expectations placed upon them. Barnwal shares anecdotes from her practice, where women express feelings of guilt, confusion, and even repulsion towards sex, often stemming from a lack of understanding and communication about their own bodies and desires. "I've seen people who don't have a lot of zest in life. They are, you know, suppressed, and they have a sleeping sexuality," she says, illustrating the deep connection between emotional suppression and sexual dissatisfaction.

The Male Gaze and the Misrepresentation of Sexuality

Another critical issue Barnwal addresses is the influence of pornography and the "male gaze" on how sexuality is perceived and understood. She points out that many men learn about sex from pornography, which presents a distorted and often harmful portrayal of intimacy.

"Porn is not real sex," Barnwal emphasizes, highlighting the lack of aesthetics, art, and genuine connection in these depictions. This skewed understanding of sex can lead to unrealistic expectations and a lack of empathy in sexual relationships, particularly for women who may feel pressured to conform to these false standards.

Barnwal also touches on the difficulties women face in expressing their sexual needs and desires, often due to societal conditioning that teaches them to prioritize the needs of their partners over their own. 

"When they talk about it as a marital duty and if she has to go through something unpleasant, her body revolts," she explains, pointing to the physical and emotional toll that this dynamic can take on women.

On Education and Empowerment

Throughout the conversation, Barnwal advocates for a more holistic and informed approach to sex education, one that goes beyond the basics of reproduction to include discussions about pleasure, intimacy, and emotional well-being. She stresses the importance of understanding one's own body and developing a healthy relationship with it, free from shame and judgment. "There's nothing wrong in looking at your own body," Barnwal asserts, calling for a cultural shift that normalizes self-exploration and body positivity.

Ultimately, Barnwal's message is one of empowerment—encouraging individuals, especially women, to reclaim their sexuality and break free from the societal constraints that have kept it hidden for too long. By fostering open, honest conversations about sex, she hopes to create a society where sexuality is no longer a source of shame, but a natural and celebrated part of life.