Do Indian Men Know What Women Like In Bed? A Sexuality Coach Decodes

"This is not in our culture," says Indian society on the topic of sexuality and sexual health. However, isn't the very resilience of culture born out of sex? For a matter that is the foundation of human existence, history, family, and social structure, our society paradoxically shrouds sex in silence and indifference. This leaves many of us misguided about the essential aspects of our bodies, health, and relationships.

To break the silence around this stigmatised topic, sexuality and intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal is fostering open dialogues around sex, allowing individuals to be informed and have a safe space to explore themselves. In an exciting episode of The Rulebreaker Show, Barnwal spoke to host Shaili Chopra, founder of SheThePeople and Gytree, about how different attitudes towards sex can shape society.

Sex and judgement

Pallavi Barnwal addressed why Indian society must break the self-imposed rules that govern sexual discourse. She emphasised the importance of separating the judgement from sex in order to create healthy narratives around sexual health and relationships.

Barnwal believes that people in India find sexuality highly fascinating, yet are fearful to explore due to the societal judgement. "I think the judgement is more from the peers and society, not individually," she said, recalling the curiosity and sex-positivity from her clients.

The fear of judgement has created a fallacious understanding of sex in Indian society, which has disproportionately harmed women's experiences. Barnwal cited the lack of sexual education and the impact of media in creating unhealthy or unrealistic sexual attitudes. 

"There are no aesthetics and no art around our reference of sexuality. When we are growing up, there is no sex education in schools so we get to know about it through friendly gossip and salacious media. And reality cannot associate with that so [sexuality] remains a silent, discrete adventure."

Low libido epidemic: Do Indian men know what women want in bed?

A woman's sexuality is linked to a family's honour and subject to societal scrutiny, which leads to guilt and shame about their needs. From Barnwal's experience, numerous women in India experience low libido due to unaddressed emotional, and psychological issues. 

"I get so many questions from female clients who are suffering from low libido. Just last week, a woman expressed, 'All my husband wants is a release. Initially, I was neutral towards it but now I'm repulsed by it and cannot make my body go through it.'," she said.

Barnwal addressed this saying, "Where are men learning this? From porn; but porn is not real sex." She then underscored the distinct needs and expressions of female sexuality, which are often ignored due to judgment and underrepresentation in media.

"The way a man approaches lovemaking is very mechanical. A woman's sexuality is so different from a man's sexuality. He needs to understand that he is not dealing with another man in the bedroom, he is dealing with a woman with her own [needs, like] warming up and emotional connection."

Barnwal also stated that sex is often viewed as a woman's marital duty in India. "Sex is talked about as a marital duty. However, if a woman goes through something unpleasant, her body revolts. People don't know how to have an intimate, or sensual experience."

She further spoke about the misunderstood facet of lovemaking, sharing that it is viewed as a "fast, aggressive, and intense" experience. Since women don't get to explore their needs, Barnwal said that many women are disempowered when it comes to pleasure. 

"During the 'honeymoon phase' a lot of women plan to have babies because that's the only way sex is seen. However, once that role is accomplished, they have no other reason to become intimate because they don't get to enjoy what is happening," she revealed.

Pallavi Barnwal evocatively quashed the misconception that sex cannot be linked to Indian culture. She narrated how it is a vital part of how our society addresses family structures and individuality. Our entire culture is framed by sex, or rather the shame surrounding it.