Three Miscarriages In Four Years, I Felt A Piece Of Me Had Died

I was the first in my family to graduate, and even then it wasn't always easy to make my parents proud and happy with my academic performance. However, when I glance back at my life, I kept good academic performance along with my battle with asthma, hence this thought makes me feel glad for myself.

After finishing my master's degree in 2015, my family, like any other middle-class Indian family, put pressure on me to marry. My parents were completely unaware that I had already chosen my life partner and that I intended to marry only him, but given the interreligious difference, I knew my parents would not approve. As a result, I eloped and married my childhood love. 

My marriage was no less than a film as it was an inter-religious and inter-lingual union. I had a lot of difficulties at first, and our parents took a long time to agree to accept our relationship, but we finally got a nod from our families after much persuasion. Like any other married woman, I saw motherhood as a wonderful experience. We wanted to have a child after settling into our married life as a natural progression in our lives.

This period of my life was filled with adversity and heartbreak. Because I had three miscarriages in four years. Every time it happened, I felt like a piece of myself had died. The first was the most traumatic. That was the first time I became pregnant. We were ecstatic about the prospect of having a child. However, when we went in for our 5th month check-up at a government hospital, the doctor said she couldn't feel the baby at all and recommended that I get a scan. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage, also known as a silent miscarriage, which meant the baby died a long time ago but my body showed no signs of it. I was devastated.

I kept asking myself what I should do and how I should deal with this situation. Later, the hospital staff simply stated that there was nothing that could be done, that miscarriage was very common in early pregnancy, and that we should not be concerned because we could have a baby in a few months.

Three Miscarriages In Four Years

My husband is incredibly supportive, but after the first miscarriage, he didn't know what to do, and we struggled for a long time. It was a difficult time for us, but we gradually supported each other and got through it.

This second miscarriage made it more difficult for us to try again; I was emotionally and physically broken. My blood pressure reached an all-time high, and I began to blame myself, wondering if my anxiety was causing the miscarriages.

As the saying goes, "time heals everything," and I was also healed from the agony of miscarriage.

I was pregnant for the third time thanks to a lot of medical advice and prayer, and after 7 months of care, love, and support, I was on cloud nine thinking about my little one. Baby shower rituals increased hope and happiness. After a few days, we went for a scan because my baby wasn't moving, and thunder struck me again. I'd lost yet again. I was struggling to overcome the shock, pain, depression, grief, and overwhelming sense of loss at this point.

After two days under observation, I was completely depressed due to the pain of losing my child, contractions, and so on. I stopped going to religious places and stopped believing in God because I lost faith in destiny/God.

I'm still struggling to get over the pain of my recurring miscarriages. There are many things to be thankful for, but no matter how lovely everything is, you still have the feeling that something is missing.

Destiny will lead us in the right direction. To become a mother, I will undergo medical treatment and diagnosis. Motherhood is a delicate balance of grasping and letting go! I'm recuperating my faith in the Almighty and regaining my confidence.

Views expressed are the author's own. 

Prathibha G Samuel is a teacher at Orchids International school in Bangalore.

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