If Given A Chance To Change My Life, I Will Fly With Freedom

We get one life. We are supposed to do everything we want within the span of our lives. What if the one life we got didn't suit us? What if it is distorted to the extent that it cannot be mended? How then will we do everything we want in one life? These questions race in my mind when I reflect on the trajectory of my life. I wish I had the chance to change my life and rewrite its chapters. Is it even possible? 

Well, I don't know if humans will ever get another chance to recreate their lives. But if the universe turned upside-down and provided me the opportunity to change my life, I don't want to be clueless. So, welcome to the fictional chapters of my new life. 

Let's start with my childhood

I had a traumatic childhood. From suppressing my desires and conforming to the standard definition of 'good daughter' to facing sexual harassment, witnessing domestic violence and adultery of my parents - I suffered through it all. Ultimately, the trauma of the things I faced turned into severe mental health issues that ruined my adulthood. 

But in the new chapter, the younger me will realise her ambitions and interest in writing and journalism. She will express her ambitions to her parents who will be equally supportive of her decisions. The younger me will never face sexual abuse because she knows when to say NO. Her parents will be loving and caring and never indulge in any activity that will cause trauma to their daughter. 

Now let's move to my career 

As I mentioned above, I always wanted to be a journalist. However, this was an unconventional career in my community that prioritised Engineering, Doctor and Government Jobs over anything else. Consequently, I had to fight to make my career in journalism. But all the fights went in vain when mental health issues affected my productivity and life. Now I am a writer but not a professional journalist because doctors have asked me to stay at home. 

However, in the new chapter of my career, I will never compromise with my career. My parents will be supportive and proud of my choices and work. They will never consider me a regret or a result of my wrong upbringing. Consequently, I won't have any mental health issues too which means I will be free to fly. 

The worst part- mental health issues 

I started taking anti-anxiety pills when I was in class 10. Since then, the saga of my mental issues began. The issues worsened to the extent that today I cannot survive without medicines. Mental health illness has shown me dark days when I slit my wrist, banged my head against the wall and tried to jump from the roof. These incidents happened repeatedly over a couple of years. 

My new life too will have mental health issues because, in today's world, they are inevitable. However, they will not be as bad as the attempt to end my life. Do you know why? I will value myself and understand my worth. I will fight the illness to live for my dreams. Even if I face a lack of motivation and hope with no vision of the future, I will be attentive enough to know that it is just a phase. Reminding myself about my dreams every day will be my routine. 

Last but most impactful- my name 

As you can see, my name is Rudrani. I was born on a paradoxical day. On one side, the day celebrated the birth of Mahatma Gandhi. On the other side, it celebrated the first day of Navratri when Goddess Durga arrives at home. My name is inspired by Goddess Durga.

In my new chapter, I don't want to change my name. I want to be known as Rudrani which very well reflects my current and visionary personality. However, I do want to change or eliminate one of the two meanings of my name. My name means either a consort of Lord Shiva or a goddess of anger and aggression. I will not reduce my identity to a mere wife of someone, no matter how powerful she is. I want to be known as an individual with distinct characteristics. 

So as a goddess of aggression which is the seed of revolution, I will try my best to turn my fictitious life into reality. The change has already begun with the inscription of Sylviya Plath's quote on my body- "I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am."  

Views expressed are the author's own.